Shasta’s Great Journey

Shasta at St. Benedict’s Lodge.  IT was her first time there.  I’ve been a visitor there numerous times over the last 17 years.  A great place to have a talk with God, to connect with nature, to feel part of the Universe!  Shasta loved it, just like I do!

This dog LOVES the beach. It was her first time…at least since I have had her.  She just played and played and played!

We finished up our nearly 700 mile journey at the Jedediah Smith State Park.  There is great majesty and awesomeness felt here.  At times when it was quite hush due to distance and quiet of others around, the organized chaos of nature is felt and it creates a lovely calm.  Everything is as it should be.

I am so blessed with a wonderful companion, an adventurous traveler who loves going in the truck.  Additionally she is quite the model!  I couldn’t have asked for a better travel mate!

 

 

 

 

Day 6 and the worst is over I hope!

Today, I spent some time trying to piece together the last 60 days. It’s hard. There are lots of big spaces of time I don’t remember much. That scares me. It’s evident whatever happened freaked out my loved ones in a big way. I was on the phone saying so many things that were not at all what I was wanting to say but my brain just was somewhat frying. It just was what it was.

Which of course adds to my shame and guilt.  I have not had that occur since I quit gambling. Yes, I’ve lost control of my emotions before, but I have had no “out of body” experiences like I experienced this time. I sure am glad I write tho, because I can go back and somewhat piece together the build-up, the blow, the loss of time, and then I went straight into detox for the Xanax withdrawal. Not the smartest idea in the book. But hey….who said I was thinking in any congruent way during this time?

Although extraordinarily fatigued with pain increased,  I think I’m doing pretty well. I am stronger than I remember sometimes. While I was feeling so weak, I had some idea of what I wanted. I have been on a journey to get off these pills for nearly 2 years. I wanted to get my overall health and strength a little better because I knew I was getting to a place I was ready to deal with some more of my “stuff”.

I did know I was having some PTSD triggers There were some encounters with people I cared about where I felt under attack so decided to disengage from those relationships. That is not something I do lightly. Yet, in retrospect it showed I was getting stronger because I was able to say to myself, “this is not healthy for me”.

In late February or early March was one  occasions and I handled myself with composure (maybe showing a slight displeasure but that is all) and then returned the next day to discuss the situation and stated what behaviors I could handle. That is a HUGE thing for me.

As time passed and other situations occurred I knew I needed to do some digging to see why I so easily get triggered by certain personalities. To be frank, I believe it’s because of my mother and our relationship and her behaviors. There are certain behaviors in women I just cannot tolerate at all. It gets my ruff up so bad and I have to just clench my teeth. Pointing, especially if someone pokes my chest, intimidation posturing, badgering, and overly aggressive. I have a tolerance and then it just is gone. It was like I was doing okay, handling each situation the best I could while trying to be professional in my role as “property manager”, and then it was over the edge.

I had told a few folks about my encounters and how they were affecting me. I had thought I had stated I was getting very stressed and overwhelmed, but again, I believe others hear it as “whining”. It was in late March that I picked up paperwork to get back into counseling. I didn’t get it turned in until mid-April after recovering from the flu. I didn’t get back in until  about the end of June for intake. Back in late March I knew I was over-stressed and had taken on more than I could handle.

In my perception a great deal of the stress came because what I perceived as agreed conversations on what was going on with the property and tenants wasn’t happening. I also had a situation with a friend and it was just the last straw.  I was so overwhelmed trying to get this property ready for renters. I had to help pack up a house that was full of many collections. Tapes(VCR and Cassette), books and mountains of electronics. The entire second story was just storage! I also had to get ready for an Estate Sale. I had never done one before and what a TON of work that is. I also had to help Mr. Chicago’s brother find an apartment and then I had to help him figure out how to make a home for himself in his new place. January was exhausting.

Then in February I was still doing okay after taking a little break, but that is when some of the encounters with PTSD triggers really started. After the first one I was shook up and tearful for a couple days. Then I tried to rectify things in an adult manner and carried on. Then there was another encounter in March. Again, I held my tongue, waited a day or two and then tried to rectify it. I also was telling my family and loved ones about the stress this was bringing me. Yet, no one is around me to actually see what those affects looked like. Often when you have PTSD triggers in my mind I feel like I sound like I am “complaining”. But what I’m trying to convey is I am getting over-stressed and I can’t make prudent choices and I need some help.

I had my trip to Chicago in late March and then came home and landed in the hospital for 4 days with the flu and pneumonia and when I came home and got well enough I had to stretch myself again. I was interviewing potential land renters. I had to run ads and make phone calls and then talk with these people at length regarding their needs and what we could provide for them. I am not a good salesperson. It makes me very uncomfortable, so I was stressing about that. More stress. I am feeling like I am falling behind here. There is so much work to be done and I am coming home after a nearly 2 week absence and it’s time to start the gardens and I still have things to haul to the dump and things to sale and continued encounters that were less than comfortable with some people.

Then came May. I did forget to mention that I had a very serious family issue that occurred in January that was an ongoing concern and stressor until early June. Those of you who follow my FB page remember, Mr. Chicago came out for my birthday in May. It was truly the BEST surprise I’ve ever had for my birthday. The BEST.   During the time he was here I was able to show him a little of what the issues were but by that point I was definitely at a point that any more encounters with triggers was going to set me off. But to him I’m sure they seemed small, each little instance.

That is not so for someone with PTSD. I’ve only had one occasion where it was a single incident that triggered me. Even at that time, I had been under a LOT of stress. Typically when I go into a meltdown mode (post gambling…completely different scenario) I have had a number of stressors on top of a number of triggers. I can only take so much. Which, is another reason I have been trying to get disability.

Having a disability like this doesn’t mean I can’t function or that I’m not smart or capable. It means I can’t take the daily struggles like a person who doesn’t have a  disability. Over the years I’ve tried to explain so much.  I can do a little physical and deal with the pain, but then my stress will get up and so I can’t deal with people or additional stress. Or, I can be medicated and take it gentle on my body and not do a bunch of hard things and my brain works. In fighting chronic pain as well as mental health issues life gets very overwhelming at times.

After Mr. Chicago went home, I thought we kind of had things under control. But that was not the case at all. There were still unresolved issues that came up and a number of incidents that made me uneasy around the 12^th of June and that was when I started going over the edge.

After my first blow up, I had a few days where I just was telling everyone “I’m done”.   I am not able to make these decisions. I was trying so hard to take care of the area here and do a good job. I went up and down and up and down for a couple weeks and then settled down a bit. But by then, I was really struggling inside with a lot of things.

I didn’t feel safe anymore. Because I had “acted out” I was scared and embarrassed and pushed everyone away more. I didn’t want anyone to see me unhinged. The lonelier I got and the more I tried to figure out what I could have done different I just got more and more distressed.

I tried to “pull it together”, but I had forgotten that back in May I had purposefully come to the point that I wasn’t gong to refill the Oxycodone anymore.  That had been my goal and I reached it and was doing okay. I didn’t take into account how that my affect my mental health when I was already under stress. I continued to rage and then cry and then rage and then cry. I’ve said “I’m sorry” so many times in the last 2 months and then gone and done the same exact thing.

That is what happens when you have a PTSD breakdown. You feel okay for a few minutes and think you are okay to be around others and then Every Little Thing bugs the hell out of you. Drivers that are speeding and reckless caused me to be the same…trying to chase them down to tell them what crazy drivers they are. Ha ha ha….and who was the undone woman chasing them? Yes…that was me! Hence the limited driving these days.

So June ended and July rode in and yet another big stressor met me on the 5^th. Something that made me think of bad things from long ago. I tried to explain to the other my feelings but was met with resistance. This made me feel even more unworthy and increased my angst.

7/13/16 the face of withdrawal, PTSD and heartache.

7/17.16 A better perspective and clearer head.

So on 7/12 I had ran out of Xanax and decided not to go to town to pick up my prescription the next day. I had made a choice. Not wise, with my thinking at the time, but it was just me here and I was going for it. The first night I found out some information that truly just made my head burst. My head has been racing and my heart has been racing and I became obsessed with this information and it was rough that first day or two. I was not only going through Detox and PAWS, but I was in the midst of a mental health breakdown and kept getting news that left me feeling so alone and so WRONG for everything. Lots of thoughts of “why am I here?”.

That’s the mindset of a PTSD person. When I am in a PTSD head, I am in total fight/flight mode. I feel horrible. I think I am the worst person in the world. I want no one to see me. I don’t behave in ways that are typical for me. I get quite mean (to push people away) I’ve been told. I typically am NOT mean! I am a lover and a giver and a smiler. But under duress from a PTSD flare I can dish out some verbal bashing and be quite harsh.

I hate that. Which is a big reason for going back to counseling. I know I still have learning to do. I am hoping by completing my detoxification off the narcotics and benzodiazapines my head will be clearer for doing the work I have in front of me.

I know nothing about my future right now. Neither do you…if truth be told. I remember my counselor telling me that I learned early in life, it can all change overnight. In the meantime I am hunkering down and just trying to take care of myself. I deserve it. So do those who love me. I despise scaring them so. Evidently, as I was recently reminded, it’s been going on for some time.   When I get to my lowest I have very pronounced suicidal ideation. I forget about it for the most part when I’m well. I know how that feels as my mother suffered with the same. It is very hard for those around a person feeling like this.

Today has been the clearest my mind has been in a very long time. A very very long time. Even with the fatigue of not sleeping the last two nights (going on being awake for about 58 hours now) my brain is clear. I truly am grateful for being able to finally get off all that.

The cannabis is working. The dosing is not exact, yet. Just like me. I’m working on it. Thanks God for a gentler alternative that comes form the earth!

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Day 5 – I’m gonna live!

 

I do not think all medications are bad. There are situations where pharmacological medications are curative or the benefits outweigh the potential risks or side effects. At this time in my life, having been on a variety of pharmacological medications with less than optimal results, as evidenced by my struggles (breakdown) the last month, I am wanting to go a more holistic way. It started with medical cannabis and I now am more interested in what nature has to offer.

One of the main reasons for doing gardening and animal care when I am in such a challenging financial and physical and emotional situation is they give me purpose on days I struggle. I am so grateful that I started that.  Putting in a garden and attracting butterflies and hummingbirds gives me something pretty to watch and look for. Being out in nature and getting a little exercise is one of the BEST medicines there is. On many days when I am in pain or just overwhelmed, having those things I MUST get up for …makes me still have a life. Hey Sigmund has done a nice outline here of a more holistic approach for mental health strategies.

http://www.heysigmund.com/the-non-medication-ways-to-deal-with-depression-that-are-as-effective-as-medication/

I started off using the medical cannabis (MMJ) mostly for pain. I was on fairly high doses of Oxycodone and it wasn’t working. At least not enough.  This contributed to my IBS for certain, causing severe constipation.  MMJ has been a wonderful option for getting off opiates. It also has improved my mood greatly, until I get into a panic situation or PTSD gets triggered. I still having to do some learning on that. I have a couple strains that I have been given or bought (thank you to the growers) and it works. But the medication I need now needs a special license to process and so I can’t get it as easily. Rick Simpson Oil (RSO) was the BEST cannabis medication I have had to date that helped me the most.  I was calm and pain was much better controlled than with the opiates.

To get the strains that I need for anxiety and PTSD challenges I have to now go the dispensary. In one week I went through $100 worth of RSO and other types of MMJ products in addition to my usual use of the tinctures and butter and flower I have already at home. I can’t afford that. I sure hope they don’t take out the OMMP because of recreational. This is my medication now.

I had it suggested to me to try some skullcap when my belly settles a bit more. It’s a nervine. Nervines are an classification of herbal remedies for mental health conditions that have evidence of high anxiety. I was also told a student of herbology that nervines such as Skullcap can actually help in the healing of my brain after long term use of various medications. Hearthsidehealing in Portland, OR presented this article on nervines written by Jon Keys.

http://www.hearthsidehealing.com/nervine-herbs-for-deep-relief-from-anxiety-and-stress/

While the last few days have been incredibly difficult emotionally, I have no desire to take those pills again. I do not crave them at all, which is a bit strange based on dealing with my gambling disorder and the drive I had for that. I feel that with the medications I was more dependent on them, whereas the gambling for me is a true addiction. But in all honesty, I really had no idea I had an emotional attachment to the medications. They were prescribed by my NP for my various ailments over the course of the last 5 years. Some of them I had been on for nearly 20 years off and on.  When one has a number of medications like that there is always concern about them being discontinued, or brands changing (can be very difficult for some), or your doctor saying after a number of years prescribing, “no more, we have to stop this”. Or there is confusion about getting it refilled. It is really a painful experience to be taking 60-90mg of oxycodone a day and then not have it for 36 hours! Very painful.

Dinner! It has been awhile since I ate a meal.

Al fresca dining

Obviously my tummy was ready for food

I think this is the 5^th night since my last dose and while life isn’t bubblegum and rainbows, it’s better than it was 24 hours ago. I even ate! That is one of the big side effects with my withdrawal is NO appetite. Additionally, I think I have only had about 6-7 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. For tonight I’ve made myself a nice hot cup of cannabis tea. I feel very tired. But not as despondent  and sick as I was off and on the last week. Yay God!

Only two sleeps and I will see the counselor that I have seen before.  As well as my NP was to be putting in a referral to a psychiatrist for me.

I really appreciate those who are following. I hope you share this all over the place! I really want people to know what detox from a benzodiazapine after on and off use for 20 years looks like. I want people to know it’s possible to improve from a dependency, an addiction, or a number of mental health ailments by making just a few lifestyle changes. And help me remember that the only person I really need to take care is me. 🙂 Peace!

**This is no way an endorsement for taking yourself off medications.  I have discussed this with my Nurse Practitoner and it has been a slow taper over 18 months.  One medication at a time.

 

 

There is LIGHT and HOPE!

If you have never experienced a depressive disorder, I would imagine you really believe a person can cheer themselves up and get over it by doing things such as “open the drapes”, or “go for a walk”, or “let go, let God”. I used to think that too. If someone was a sad sack I would tell them to get outside themselves and do something for someone else, or to get out in the sunshine (or even to do tanning in very moderate/light levels), Over the second half of my life I have found that if it feels dark internally, it doesn’t matter what you do, except that you do something. It’s when you do nothing that you are turning into the hole of darkness. Even if you still are struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel and it still seems completely dark and not worthwhile. Do something!!! I know from experience…you will eventually see a ray of light that will give you hope to keep going. But sometimes…you have to just keep moving in the dark, doing something, going completely on faith in the darkest of dark.

I am so grateful that I kept on sharing with my friends and a couple family members and my readers when I was struggling. I was doing something. I was reaching out and sharing and being present in the moment. With depression, sometimes that is so difficult.

I believe that most depression is brought about by things of the past (unless you live in a combat zone or 3rd world country and face starvation constantly). For some, a combat zone can look like the chaotic interactions of families, the fightingt that occurs in some relationships, or the dysfunction of many households. Sometimes those are battlefields of their own. If you live in that kind of constant state of anxiousness about what has happened in the past as well as being worried and struggling with what is in the moment, in my opinion, as well as the various definitions I have read, that would be labeled as PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).

Depression occurs frequently with PTSD. http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/tc/ptsd-and-depression-overview It is my experience that if one of them are triggered, then the other disorder also gets triggers. If I have a new traumatic event, or a flashback of a traumatic event combined with increase in daily stressors, then it is likely that depression will get triggered as well, The feelings of depression, that dark place, become an escape as well as a prison.

It is very possible to get stuck in depression. That is why and how suicide occurs. It becomes too unbearable to live another day or another moment in the darkness. Or, if you are trying to escape the ongoing trauma of living in a combat zone or under extreme stress, the darkness of depression can at times become a retreat from reality. There is a very fine line between the two. Escape and prison are but one step away from another.

Today, I am grateful that somehow, by God’s grace, I was able to not become consumed with the darkness and was able to hold on through that dark time until I finally saw and felt the light of God’s love and peace and assurance. It’s always just around the corner.

I think I was able to hold on due to the ties with my support group, my willingness to reach out, and my desire to always do The Next Right Thing in life.

If you are feeling that darkness of depression, or if you have PTSD and the depression is creeping in too, be sure to reach out. Help really is always there. And there is light, just around the bend!

Contact you physician, a mental health provider, a member of clergy, a friend, or a family member and tell them you are struggling and need some help. Let others’ into your life and know you are not alone. Depression doesn’t have to mean darkness for eternity.

Something new…for me…House sitting!

1:36 AM 5/16/2014 I am experiencing a FIRST! Those are always something worth mentioning as far as I am concerned. So much of life can often be very repetitive and become part of a routine. Right now my routine is all messed up. But, I am looking at all the good. I am house sitting for a friend I’ve known for about 2 1/2 years. This person has only known me in a state of not actively gambling. Yet, this person has heard my stories of lies and manipulations and embezzlement and all the things associated with my behaviors of compulsive gambling. I’ve been in this house a couple of times, yet I’ve never been here overnight.

This person told the woman I am providing my expertise to in organization and delegation (the woman where I live) that of all the people he knows I am the one he would trust with all he has. Which he has done. What an honor.

So, here I am in a wonderfully appointed nicely equipped state of the art home. This is something I have never experienced living in during my entire adult life. I have a car and two trucks at my disposal. I have a wonderful roof over my head. I have 2 bathrooms that have showers and tubs and toilet that flush and good lighting that are available for use 24/7. There is a gorgeous sink and a fridge/freezer/water/ice machine that is gorgeous. And a dishwasher that I can run quietly whenever I choose. I also can do laundry 24/7. If you are a large majority of the US, you think this is typical America. Even the ghetto apartments in inner cities have a majority of the amenities that I mentioned available if there is they funding for them. It is very nice and comfortable for certain.

I am enjoying having internet 24/7 where ever I choose to be in this house. I can be in bed, or on the couch or in the recliner of on the patio or at the kitchen table. All in this one place. I have done 2 loads of laundry with drying included in the 5 hours I’ve been here. I’ve also used the TV and Cable and Internet. Oh, and I stopped by a store and picked up a few things and then decided I wanted something for dinner and the store is only about 1/2 mile away and so I went and got myself a mini pizza (gluten free to boot). Yes, living in town and having ammenties is quite nice…..

Yet, I have not head the bird song or the frogs or the crickets. I have not smelled the dirt and the cedars and pines heated by the rays of the sun beating on the trees tops surrounding me. I haven’t been able to enjoy going to my own place and seeing my own things with all the wonderful background sounds.

I am grateful for this opportunity to enjoy a very different living environment. It affords me an opportunity to see how it is for mainstream America as well as an opportunity to gain income to provide for a need.

The amount of compensation I am receiving for this gig will pay for my nursing license renewal, the last one I will be afforded without some repeat education for the next 2 years. I am required to have a specific number of hours in 5 year period. I am still within those guidelines and so I can renew, after being compensated for house sitting in a very comfortable environs.

I also have another situation I am pursuing tomorrow morning. I am going to make a series of health related videos to market a First Aid Kit. 🙂 I will share a link when I have it. There will be 14 videos, each a short vignette of an emergent health care situation.

So, different environment being in someone else’s home, different routine (have to set an alarm to get up and drive myself to another town in the morning, 30 minutes commute. Different bed.

I am really tired and having a hard time settling in for the night. But…my energy and my attitude this week have been very up and I am grateful for every opportunity being put in my path. God is providing for each need…one at a time.

BTW….Shasta, my best friend ever, is with me and she is doing fine. She enjoys looking out the back window and watching the kids at the school grounds just across the way. She has done her necessary things going out in the front yard where there is grass, being allowed a small arena, yet her sniffer is on overdrive. She finds and spot and does her thing and then is off to sniffing again. The life of a dog is all about their front end (nose and mouth) and their back end (defecating and urinating). As long as she’s healthy and happy that is all I am concerned about.

I suppose it would be best if I would try to get a little sleep before my acting debut! I haven’t been in a “stage” presence since 2002 when I took a credit class titled “The Total Performer”. I really needed to boost my GPA and I figured this would be an easy A. I ended up working my rear off!!! The class required 6 hours of class time and about 20 hours of off class time. I did get the A tho!. That is a long time to have been away from the acting environment, yet I did love drama in HS. I also have applied to be in a car ad later in the month. I may have a new career. 🙂

Being flexible is affording me so many options. Options I may not have otherwise considered. God is providing for my needs and I am also finding entertainment and enjoyment from many of the venues I am pursuing. God is good, all the time.

A Superbowl that changed my life

It’s Superbowl Sunday!!!  Even if you aren’t a football fan it is likely that you are aware that it is Superbowl Sunday.  Except for two other Superbowl games  I have no recollection of anything about any professional football game I’ve ever seen.  The one other was in 2006 when the Seattle Seahawks were playing and lost due to some terrible calls.  That is my opinion anyhow.  I am not a big football fan yet I could tell that the ref’s in that game were doing some serious picking on the Hawks.  I couldn’t watch the last 5 minutes of the game.  It was disgusting.  I am certainly glad they won today’s game.  The 48th Superbowl played in New York was one they deserved to win.

The other Superbowl Sunday I recall is one that changed my life.  It was 20 years ago.  Superbowl XXVIII.  The Cowboys and the Bills.  I don’t recall where they played the game.  I know who played because I googled it.  I do remember where I was and who I was with and what I did to change the course of my life forever.

I was at the Newport Hilton on the Oregon Coast with my then husband, Mr. B.  We had decided to go over to the coast to enjoy our weekend and have a place to watch the game.  We had only been married for about 3 months so of course we were still very snuggly and cuddly and romantic. Mr. B. was a huge sports fan.  In fact, I sometimes think he would die if he didn’t have access to watch sports and keep up on his favorites.  So, a weekend at the coast at a nice hotel was a compromise of what I enjoyed and what he enjoyed.  And we both loved the beach which is why we decided to watch the Superbowl from there.

The bar had a few huge TV’s.  That was back when big screens were just starting to be made.  Technology has come a long way since then.  There was a lovely view of the beach.  They were packed and there was lots of food and everyone was having a good time.

Every so often my husband would go over to some machines and put some money in them.  I didn’t know what they were except I had seen them before and knew he sometimes put money in them and played a game.  I was feeling a big ignored, with both sports and now this machine and so I went over to ask him what it was about.   He then gave me $5 and said put it in and I’ll show you.

That was the first bet I made in a video poker machine.  I had never really gambled before that.  Maybe some penny ante poker, but nothing worth recalling and never on a machine or at a casino or anything like that. This was a whole new experience for me.  I can’t tell you if I won or lost.  I can’t tell you what game I played.  I can’t even tell you how it made me feel.  I just remember that is the first place I ever made a bet.

We enjoyed our weekend.  Like I said, I don’t remember much about the game because I was mostly there to spend time with my husband.  I know we stayed over another night and probably took our time driving home, stopping for lunch at one of our favorite places along the way.  But I can’t tell you for certain.

While I didn’t play a machine again for a few months, that one bet was the start of the change of my life.  You see, I became a compulsive gambler.  In less than a year from that Superbowl game my family was doing an intervention to get me into treatment.  I was lying and stealing money.  I was not being the person I used to be.  I was not there for my family.  I was not performing well at my job.  That was just the first year of my gambling.  I ended up battling my addiction for 16 years.

I am proud to say I am nearing my 4th year without making a bet.  But it being Superbowl Sunday and the year 2014, it hit me hard the memory of that game 20 years ago an how my life changed course.  I can’t help but wonder what would have been different if I had never made that first bet.  I had no idea at that time that anyone could get addicted to gambling.  I was very careful about addictions.  I was raised in a home with addiction.  Had I known…I may have done a few things different.  But I didn’t.  The price was very costly.

Not only did I lose thousands of dollars over the course of all those years, but I lost friends and family.  I lost respect of my peers.  I lost opportunities.  I lost moments that can never be made up.  I lost a part of me.  I lost more than can ever be imagined.

I can’t change what was done.  I can only go forward from here and hope that the lessons I’ve learned are directing me along the path God has set forth for me.  I took control of the reigns of my life that day that changed my life.  Today, I let God be in charge and I trust He will find a way to use all  those years for some good.  Maybe good for me, or maybe good for someone else.

Knowing what I know about compulsive gambling today, would I make the same decision?  NO WAY.  Gambling can ruin lives.  It is the addiction with the highest rate of suicide of any addictions.  It eats at your mind faster than your wallet.  No, if I knew then what I know now, I would not mindlessly put my money in a machine a place a bet.  Or, would I?  There is no way to tell now.  I just have to live in today.  And today was good, because I watched the big game (well, only the second half because I have the flu and slept through the first half) and I didn’t make a bet and I didn’t make any big decisions that were life changing.  I just watched the game.  And I will remember who played and who won!  I was present.  Thank you God…for the Present of today!

Pauline’s Oriental Green Beans

Yesterday I roasted a chicken and was going to take it as part of my Barter Basket to my physical therapist appointment.  My appointment was cancelled so it became part of our dinner at home.  I had seen this recipe for Forbidden rice and veggie stir-fry on one of the blogs I like to follow and decided that I would make it, with a few changes, for a side dish.  I left out the tofu because I know my guys would not even consider eating that.  They are meat and tater men!  Also, I didn’t have any of the Forbidden rice so I  used brown rice instead.  I felt bad about making changes on a first run through it but I was using what I had.  The final addition to my meal was Pauline’s Oriental Green Beans.

Pauline was a lovely woman I met and became friends with when I live in Washington.  I met her and her husband Chuck at the church I attended.  She was one of those ladies you can’t help but love.  A second grade teacher, petite, quiet spoken, and so loving all the time with a smile that made you want to smile back at her.  She served this green bean dish at a dinner party she had for my ex and myself and our pastor and his family.    I loved it.  When I asked her for the recipe, she gave it to me along with the short story of how she had come to learn to make them.  In a nutshell…she had been taught by her blind Asian lady friend that she had met from church.  And now, she was telling me how to make them.

It is a simple dish with a real punch of flavor.  It also adds a nice bit of color to a plate.    You start out by using about 1 1/2 tablespoons olive oil and 1/2 tablespoon toasted sesame oil.  Heat over med-high heat and throw in 4 or 5 cloves of garlic.  Cook the garlic until it is soft enough to smash into the oil.   Don’t worry if some of the garlic gets a little crispy…in my opinion those little crispy bits are delicious.

Garlic smashed into the oil!

4 cloves of garlic in oil on med-high heat.

Browned on all sides and ready to smash.

After the garlic is smashed up, throw in a pound of washed trimmed green beans and turn the heat down to medium.  Cook, stirring often, about 5-6 minutes.  Add 3 tablespoons reduced sodium soy-sauce and cook another 4-5 minutes with the lid on, stirring every minute or so.  When I have them available I will throw in a handful of slivered or sliced almonds.  I didn’t have them this time.

I think it made for a pretty plate of food and everyone ate their fill.  The rice dish was quite yummy and I have lots of the peanut sauce left over so I need to figure out another use for it.  It was wonderful to make this and spend a few minutes remembering my dear friend.  She passed away in July of 2005 after a very short (only about a month) fight with pancreatic cancer.   I am grateful for the recipe…but more grateful for the memories of a fine woman who shared more than the recipe with me…she shared her heart and her love and most importantly, she shared her faith in God with me.  Thank you Pauline, for showing me God through your eyes.

Roasted chicken, Forbidden Rice Veggie Stir-fry and Pauline’s Oriental Green Beans.

I still get “stuck”.

Today when I was working with my physical therapist she asked me to move in a specific way.  I couldn’t do it.  I listened to her directions and thought about what she said and tried to make my body follow the instructions and I couldn’t do it.  I was stuck!  There was a block in the neurotransmitters making it so I could not send a “move” message to that particular part of my body.  It brought tears to my eyes.  Realizing I was stuck and have been for who knows how long and that being stuck is potentially a big part of my pain, at least the pain in my back was really mind boggling.  I was really blown over by the emotions that were attached to realizing that I have been STUCK for possibly a long time and I didn’t even know it.

We get that way in life sometimes.  We go along and find a way of doing something and it works for that time and so we do it the same way over and over not realizing that there might be an easier or healthier way. We often are completely unaware that our “body mechanics” are a bit off, or our way of seeing things is with glasses that only have pinhole openings. Or we were taught by our families and friends that “this is just the way we do it”, and so you listen and follow the examples you’ve been given and get stuck doing it the way everyone you know has done it for years.  Even if it hurts.  Even if it causes pain that limits movement.

My therapist has me doing Stott Pilates, which is based on mindfulness of body movement.  Breathing, pelvic placement, rib cage placement, scapular movement and head and cervical spine placement are the key focus areas.  Today we were working on my pelvis which is where, based on multiple MRI’s, I have a bulging disc at L4-5.  It is an area that has been injured over and over.  What she asked me to do was this:  I was lying on my back, breathing through my back, keeping my entire pelvic area relaxed and loose, like a bowl of jelly.  I was doing pelvic tips, like rotating the bowl of jelly.  You have to be able to think a bit creatively to do this.  Anyhow, I was able to do it one way, but when she asked me to reverse it, my brain couldn’t get the message from the thought through the neural pathways to the muscles.  The path had not been used for so long it didn’t recognize the message.  I had created another way of using my back muscles that did not include moving the way I was being directed.  Weird, huh?

So why did it make me cry?  Because realizing that my brain can’t make my body work by doing a movement that should be natural somehow triggered my limbic system.  That old reptilian part of the brain, the one that connects movement and emotions.  Makes sense if you have a basic understanding of the limbic system.  Having it make sense doesn’t necessarily mean that you are not going to have the same response that I did.  It was a bit mind blowing actually.  To realize I had lost control of movement and hadn’t really been aware of it.

I didn’t know all of that before today.  I didn’t know that I had mindlessly used my back in a certain way because it worked, but over time it really was preventing me from moving correctly.  The positive thing about all of this is I know with this knowledge I now can work at retraining myself to do something that I can’t even imagine yet!  That’s how mind boggling this kind of work is.  I can’t imagine what it will feel like to make a specific part of my body respond to a command to move a specific way that it isn’t even recognizing right now. I have taken my movements for granted too long.  I now have to actually think and in some instances re-think the way I move!

I was able to see a relationship between this physical being stuck and how I have been stuck in behaviors and characteristics that have hurt me in many ways.  Some of my behaviors were a means of coping with a situation at a time that worked, and then over time it became unhealthy.  The same can be said of my characteristics.  They have evolved, and at some point, some of them became unhealthy and I was stuck.  I was doing what I needed to do at the time, and it worked then.  Since I have been working a recovery program, I am more mindful of my behaviors and character.  I have an awareness of where change is needed and have worked at practicing new things.  It feels so foreign at times, and even today, more than 3 years into my recovery, my pathways to the old thoughts and pathways can still be triggered because they were used for so long. The new ways, my healthy ways, can still sometimes feel so foreign and odd.  So I keep being aware, taking a good cleansing breath and really thinking about it, and move on to doing it the way that brings me to balance.  For me, balance comes with being mindful and exercising my soul in ways that move me with ease through life.

I am so grateful for an opportunity to be living my life both emotionally and physically with mindfulness.   I need the awareness of where I am stuck and some help in moving with ease the way I was designed.  I am finding that help with the connections God is placing in my path.  Thank you God for knowing what I need to be Unstuck!

One day at a Time for 1100 days!!!!

The moon tonight. I wanted to share it with you.

Last Sunday marked the 3rd anniversary of the last bet I made. 3 years. Okay. Move on.

Then I got home and tallied the days. 1095 days. WOW!!!!! Now THAT is wild. So today is ONE THOUSAND and ONE HUNDRED DAYS, one day at a time. It truly is a miracle. For me. Not making a single bet for all those days in a row is almost incomprehensible. There is no way I could write my entire story here. But I will tell you this…..for many years I pissed off, worried, frustrated, and hurt many people that I loved. Some of them to the point of saying “Sianara baby!”. They were disgusted by watching me throw my life away, spending day after day, hour after hour, dollar after dollar sitting in front of a poker machine. They got tired of the lies, manipulating, stealing and nastiness I had become.

Time after time spending yet another ENTIRE paycheck in one evening. I would shake my head, just as every one else shook their head utter in amazement. How could I do that???? How could I spend that paycheck leaving myself unable to pay rent, buy groceries, put gas in the car? How could I forget all those responsibilites I used to work so hard to do? If I could have said goodbye to me, I might have. I considered it a couple times. More than a couple of times.

Before I was initiated to the intriguing and mesmerizing lure of the Oregon lottery video poker machines, I was an upstanding hardworking community minded God loving honest person. Yes, I had my issues. I was extremely co-dependant. If I could just do everything right, then everyone would be happy…you know? I overworked, overcleaned, overstressed, overanalyzed. But man…I got things DONE!!!! I was very type A in energy and perserverance. Going all the time. A fount of energy. Always saying yes if anyone had a need.

My first time really paying any attention to those machines in the bar, was on Superbowl Sunday in 1994. I was at the Agate Beach Motel on the Oregon Coast with my husband (second marriage for us both) of 2 months. We had finally gotten married after dating 4 years. He had gambled for years. I didn’t know how much until just a couple days before we got married. I chalked it up to pre-marital jitters…the hundreds he had spent in the few weeks preceding our marriage. If I had known then what I know now. But I didn’t, and so I asked him about the machine he was playing on and how it worked, and he showed me.

I didn’t play again until about 3 months later. I won! Enough to buy a couple rounds of drinks for all my friends (about $30.00). For someone like me, who had been raising 3 kids all alone without benefit of child support or active father or other financial help, that was something. I never had much extra to spend. Even after marrying again, I still was the one supporting my kids. There were very few times I had much extra to put out for others financially for a treat.

Then, in June, I was on an out of town work trip and decided to go out to play those machines and relax after work. I deserved it I told myself. Well, I won a big jackpot. My $10.00 had netted me $300.00! Holy mackarole!!! Now THAT was quite a few gallons of milk and a couple pair of shoes per kid! Back in those days that was how I computed money. I had never had that much money that was FREE before.

That, was the first time I lied to my husband about where I was and what I was doing. That was the beginning of the horrors to follow over a period of 16 years.

NO, I did not gamble throughout that entire time. I did have a couple periods of time where I was able to abstain from making a bet for almost a year. And one time I actuallly attained a period of 4 1/2 years without gambling. Yessirreeee…that is more than 3 years. That is more than 1100 days. Be patient and I’ll share with you what the difference is in why THIS time is so much better.

I did gamble horribly from that early part of 1994 until April 1997. I gambled myself out of a marriage (there were addiction issues for both of us), out of my business and also into the loss of my children for a period of time. Then I stopped for the longest period of time I’ve managed to date. For those first couple years, I was diligent about attending to my problem of gambling. I had been through outpatient treatment. I attended a group with others who shared my problem. I shared openly about my problem. I stayed away from avenues where gambling occurred. I had a therapist. I did the things I knew helped.

After about 3 years, I got busy with life. I was returning to to school. I was working towards a nursing degree. My kids were getting older. One of them had gone to live with his dad and so I only had two with me full time. I was getting things back on track. I was in a new relationship. Life was GRAND! But, I wasn’t going to my meetings, I wasn’t hanging out with friends in recovery, I wasn’t acknowledging my special challenge in life on a daily basis. I wasn’t asking God to show me the way daily. Out of nowhere, without thinking it through, I gambled.

That run lasted nearly 9 years. Through my schooling. Through yet another marriage. Through a move to another state and back home. Through more schooling. Through serious struggles with my then teenage children. Through family deaths. Through the birth of my grandson.

After gambling away the money I had borrowed from my daughter, the struggling young single mother of my 2 1/2 month old grandson, I could no longer face myself. I knew I had to do something significantly different. More different than I had ever done before.

I surrendered. I reached out for help and I didn’t orchestrate that help. I just said I needed help. I called friends (amazingly I still had a few) in recovery and asked for help. Within a day, I was being admitted to inpatient treatment. My daughter, as angry as she was, had come and seen to it that I was getting help. She then packed up my home and put it in storage. I was honest with my immediate boss and told her where I was and what was going on. At that point, if I lost my job and my license to practice my trade, I was willing to give that up. I had to get better. I had to find a way to live.

That was February 17, 2010. That was the last bet I made at 2:29am at the Shari’s at Exit 10 on I-205. I still get a chill up my spine when I drive that way to go visit my family.

Life has not been easy since then. It is not a land of lollipops and balloons. I have had many challenging life issues to deal with in the last 3 years. I had been in a long term relationship when I went into treatment. After my celebration of a year of abstinence…that relationship ended. I had an injury at work that was a precursor to a significant health change and have been unable to work for the last 2 years. I watched my last living grandmother die. I have had yet another very involved year long relationship start and end, which was the precursor to my moving here to S. Oregon.

Today, at day one thousand one hundred, I am singing my praises to God, for always being there for me. I am grateful to be out of the spiritual desert I lived in for so long. I have a wonderful supportive group of friends who know where I’ve been and their only concern is what am I doing and am I ok today. 🙂 I LOVE THAT!!!!

I continue to have struggles with my physical health. My program allows me to be much more accepting of this. It is a process, but it isn’t something I feel a need to escape, via the insanity of gambling.

I still have issues. I still have things to atone for. Sometimes I still feel the guilt for all the troubles I brought onto others. And yet, I have been mindful of others today. I have thanked God for His numerous blessings today. I have been honest today. I have done my best today. And by golly….One thousand one hundred ONE DAY AT A TIMEs is pretty impressive when there was a time that going another minute without placing a bet felt like I was going to die.

If you suffer or know someone who suffers from a compulsion to gamble, there is help. Contact me via my email and I will do all I can to send you in the right direction to someone in your area. Gambling is a serious life threatening addiction. As powerful and deadly as any other addiction. Even tho there is no consumption of any drugs or mind altering substances….the mind is being altered. Chemical changes are occurring that make this addiction very difficult to overcome. But it can be done. 🙂 And life can be wonderful. Thanks for letting me share folks. Peace and love to each of you.

Something I’ve wanted to try.

I have been contemplating this idea for a number of months. The idea of starting a blog.  I love sharing things.  It isn’t that I think I know so much.  It’s that my life has changed in such ways that I have time to be at home and try things and let you know how they work.  I also enjoying sharing pictures.  I am NOT a photographer.  I have a very old camara and I use my phone frequently  I just love to take pictures to chronicle the passing of life and the moments.  It really is about the moments.

My blog will have posting about a variety of topics.  I recently adopted a flock of 13 chickens.  I got the chicken bug in the early spring of 2012.  I had not anticipated actually being able to get chickens until spring of 2013.  But life gave me a bunch of lemons…and I got chickens!!  GO figure.  I love my girls.  They provide so much more than eggs.  The most important thing, is the sense of repsonsibilty.  They need me to provide them with food and water and PROTECTION!  So that means even on days when I am feeling challenged, I still have to attend to THEIR needs.  If you check in on my blog you will know why me getting up and attending to some chickens is important.

Another of my interests in gardening.  I just moved to a small 13 acre mini farm.  They have given me permission to build my DREAM!  I have had a dream of building a greenhouse for many years.  I actually bought and acquired 50+ windows in early August.  I brought them with me on my move just 2 months ago.   I will have to redesign it based on the new location, but I am hoping to have it ready within the next year.  Until then, I will use the plastic greenhouses that are available on the property.  Gardening with greenhouses is a new gig for me, so you get to watch my successes…and my blunders.  I used to own and operate my own landscape maintence business years ago.  I have had a love of things growing most of my life.   Babies and plants and animals.  I am pretty silly about nature.  🙂  It makes me happy.

I was diagnosds with a spastic colon when I was 17. That was really a drag.  Today it is called Irritabel Bowel Syndrome (IBS).  I am so grateful that I love food enough that I didn’t give up on eating!  If you have IBS you know the challenges.  Finding what you can eat…and finding a BATHROOM!  I am still working on this, but it is 75% better than it was years ago.  I know a few things that will cause upsets.  And sometimes…if I am home alone…I will pay the price.   I won’t do this as often as I used to tho. If I eat natural organic whole foods and stay away from dairy and prepared foods, I have much less troubles.  So, with my own dietary experiences I have a soft spot for anyone that has ANY type of gastrointestinal disorder affected by eating.  We all have to eat!!!  If you have food challenges I will at some time try to address them.  Oh yeah…I am also a nurse.  And preventative medicine is something I have always believed in.  I am learning about some alternative nursing now.  I will be sharing on healthcare related topics.

Lastly, I am a recent convert to being a country girl.  I have always thought I was born in the wrong century.  I think if I would have been alive and kicking back in the 1800’s…well I might have made history!!!  Well, maybe not…but I would have head a heck of a good time trying.  I have been living a rural lifestyle for the last 14 months, and believe I have arrived to the place I belong.  My way of getting here may or may not be discussed.  I have not decided on that yet.  But, I have  arrived to the country and even tho some major challenges were presented, I decided to stay in the country that I have come to love.  Rogue Valley!  I will share more about that later too!!!  It really is a magnificent place in Oregon.

My top THREE things in life.  God, Recovery and my kids(and grandson).  They are the backbone to everyting that I am about!  So you will hear me talk of God, spirituality, acceptance, surrender, love, forgiveness, joy, sorrow, challenges, emotions, praise, forgiveness and a number of life on a day to day basis issues.

I plan on having fun with this.  I hope you enjoy it too!  I have always enjoyed writing, but have become very “prose” oriented with social websites.  I am hoping that a blog will help me to expound on my writing abilities.  Language is beautiful.  Sharing is joy.  Community is paramount to survival!  Yes, I will touch on self-sustainable living, preparedness, canning, and if SHTF!!!

Thank you for reading my first post.