One day at a Time for 1100 days!!!!

The moon tonight. I wanted to share it with you.

Last Sunday marked the 3rd anniversary of the last bet I made. 3 years. Okay. Move on.

Then I got home and tallied the days. 1095 days. WOW!!!!! Now THAT is wild. So today is ONE THOUSAND and ONE HUNDRED DAYS, one day at a time. It truly is a miracle. For me. Not making a single bet for all those days in a row is almost incomprehensible. There is no way I could write my entire story here. But I will tell you this…..for many years I pissed off, worried, frustrated, and hurt many people that I loved. Some of them to the point of saying “Sianara baby!”. They were disgusted by watching me throw my life away, spending day after day, hour after hour, dollar after dollar sitting in front of a poker machine. They got tired of the lies, manipulating, stealing and nastiness I had become.

Time after time spending yet another ENTIRE paycheck in one evening. I would shake my head, just as every one else shook their head utter in amazement. How could I do that???? How could I spend that paycheck leaving myself unable to pay rent, buy groceries, put gas in the car? How could I forget all those responsibilites I used to work so hard to do? If I could have said goodbye to me, I might have. I considered it a couple times. More than a couple of times.

Before I was initiated to the intriguing and mesmerizing lure of the Oregon lottery video poker machines, I was an upstanding hardworking community minded God loving honest person. Yes, I had my issues. I was extremely co-dependant. If I could just do everything right, then everyone would be happy…you know? I overworked, overcleaned, overstressed, overanalyzed. But man…I got things DONE!!!! I was very type A in energy and perserverance. Going all the time. A fount of energy. Always saying yes if anyone had a need.

My first time really paying any attention to those machines in the bar, was on Superbowl Sunday in 1994. I was at the Agate Beach Motel on the Oregon Coast with my husband (second marriage for us both) of 2 months. We had finally gotten married after dating 4 years. He had gambled for years. I didn’t know how much until just a couple days before we got married. I chalked it up to pre-marital jitters…the hundreds he had spent in the few weeks preceding our marriage. If I had known then what I know now. But I didn’t, and so I asked him about the machine he was playing on and how it worked, and he showed me.

I didn’t play again until about 3 months later. I won! Enough to buy a couple rounds of drinks for all my friends (about $30.00). For someone like me, who had been raising 3 kids all alone without benefit of child support or active father or other financial help, that was something. I never had much extra to spend. Even after marrying again, I still was the one supporting my kids. There were very few times I had much extra to put out for others financially for a treat.

Then, in June, I was on an out of town work trip and decided to go out to play those machines and relax after work. I deserved it I told myself. Well, I won a big jackpot. My $10.00 had netted me $300.00! Holy mackarole!!! Now THAT was quite a few gallons of milk and a couple pair of shoes per kid! Back in those days that was how I computed money. I had never had that much money that was FREE before.

That, was the first time I lied to my husband about where I was and what I was doing. That was the beginning of the horrors to follow over a period of 16 years.

NO, I did not gamble throughout that entire time. I did have a couple periods of time where I was able to abstain from making a bet for almost a year. And one time I actuallly attained a period of 4 1/2 years without gambling. Yessirreeee…that is more than 3 years. That is more than 1100 days. Be patient and I’ll share with you what the difference is in why THIS time is so much better.

I did gamble horribly from that early part of 1994 until April 1997. I gambled myself out of a marriage (there were addiction issues for both of us), out of my business and also into the loss of my children for a period of time. Then I stopped for the longest period of time I’ve managed to date. For those first couple years, I was diligent about attending to my problem of gambling. I had been through outpatient treatment. I attended a group with others who shared my problem. I shared openly about my problem. I stayed away from avenues where gambling occurred. I had a therapist. I did the things I knew helped.

After about 3 years, I got busy with life. I was returning to to school. I was working towards a nursing degree. My kids were getting older. One of them had gone to live with his dad and so I only had two with me full time. I was getting things back on track. I was in a new relationship. Life was GRAND! But, I wasn’t going to my meetings, I wasn’t hanging out with friends in recovery, I wasn’t acknowledging my special challenge in life on a daily basis. I wasn’t asking God to show me the way daily. Out of nowhere, without thinking it through, I gambled.

That run lasted nearly 9 years. Through my schooling. Through yet another marriage. Through a move to another state and back home. Through more schooling. Through serious struggles with my then teenage children. Through family deaths. Through the birth of my grandson.

After gambling away the money I had borrowed from my daughter, the struggling young single mother of my 2 1/2 month old grandson, I could no longer face myself. I knew I had to do something significantly different. More different than I had ever done before.

I surrendered. I reached out for help and I didn’t orchestrate that help. I just said I needed help. I called friends (amazingly I still had a few) in recovery and asked for help. Within a day, I was being admitted to inpatient treatment. My daughter, as angry as she was, had come and seen to it that I was getting help. She then packed up my home and put it in storage. I was honest with my immediate boss and told her where I was and what was going on. At that point, if I lost my job and my license to practice my trade, I was willing to give that up. I had to get better. I had to find a way to live.

That was February 17, 2010. That was the last bet I made at 2:29am at the Shari’s at Exit 10 on I-205. I still get a chill up my spine when I drive that way to go visit my family.

Life has not been easy since then. It is not a land of lollipops and balloons. I have had many challenging life issues to deal with in the last 3 years. I had been in a long term relationship when I went into treatment. After my celebration of a year of abstinence…that relationship ended. I had an injury at work that was a precursor to a significant health change and have been unable to work for the last 2 years. I watched my last living grandmother die. I have had yet another very involved year long relationship start and end, which was the precursor to my moving here to S. Oregon.

Today, at day one thousand one hundred, I am singing my praises to God, for always being there for me. I am grateful to be out of the spiritual desert I lived in for so long. I have a wonderful supportive group of friends who know where I’ve been and their only concern is what am I doing and am I ok today. 🙂 I LOVE THAT!!!!

I continue to have struggles with my physical health. My program allows me to be much more accepting of this. It is a process, but it isn’t something I feel a need to escape, via the insanity of gambling.

I still have issues. I still have things to atone for. Sometimes I still feel the guilt for all the troubles I brought onto others. And yet, I have been mindful of others today. I have thanked God for His numerous blessings today. I have been honest today. I have done my best today. And by golly….One thousand one hundred ONE DAY AT A TIMEs is pretty impressive when there was a time that going another minute without placing a bet felt like I was going to die.

If you suffer or know someone who suffers from a compulsion to gamble, there is help. Contact me via my email and I will do all I can to send you in the right direction to someone in your area. Gambling is a serious life threatening addiction. As powerful and deadly as any other addiction. Even tho there is no consumption of any drugs or mind altering substances….the mind is being altered. Chemical changes are occurring that make this addiction very difficult to overcome. But it can be done. 🙂 And life can be wonderful. Thanks for letting me share folks. Peace and love to each of you.

The same..and yet different.

This is my pair of, almost 2 week old, Speckled Sussex. I believe they are about 2 weeks old today! I bought them at the Grange. I have named one of them Pecking Peggy. The other…I am unsure yet. I am suspicious one of them ia not the same as the other…gender wise. Time will tell. This is my first chick experience. They said at the grange I was getting pullets. But there is something about these two…they don’t seem the same.

This is Peckin’ Peggy and ????. I am thinking one of them is not the same as the other…gender wise. Time will tell.

LIfe is good at home with my flock. My 12 girls are laying about 6.5 eggs a day. I have 5 new babies that all seem to be doing very well. I am anticipating getting 3-5 Blue Red Laced Wyandottes chicks in March. I hope this to be the beginnig of my breeding stock. If one of my Speckled Sussex is a roo too…that is ok by me!!! I would be pleased to be breeding both the BRLW and the Speckled Sussex.

I had my first Reiki treatment today. It was a freebie…although I did gift her 18 eggs!~ A local woman who placed an ad on our own version of “craigslist” here in S. Oregon.  She came to my home and “laid hands” on me. And it felt wonderful! Warm! Caring. Insightful! Helpful! Healing!

I am so grateful to be able to go “outside the box” to find potential healing for my mind and my body. So far, everyone from my chiropractor, nurse practitioner, accupunturist and now my reiki specialist have been very caring and open to helping me with their various modalities. And each of them has merit!!! I have been benefitted physically as well as emotionally, spiritually and mentally from visits with each practitioner.

While chiropractic and massage seems to help for low back and neck issues, the accupunturist has helped with tendonitis, smoking(not planned, and yet I have not had a desire for a cigerette since my first visit) and generalized pain. And now, Reiki has made me feel more aware of my spirituality combined with my physical and emotional person. For someone like me, who appreciates scientific proof, I am enjoying the proof of the pudding more than any words or test results from others that may tout and/or attempt to disprove the benefits of these health treatment modalities.

A couple things the Reiki therapist shared with me during and following my session:

1. She asked, “Is there something you need to talk about, a truth that may be painful?”.  I have not yet, after careful consideration, determined what she was referring to specifically.  I have been working on speaking my heart over the last three years.  It is very possible there is something in my subconscious that I have yet to bring forward.

2.  She said there is  lots of stuff in my back (I have bulging discs, DDD, as well as a recent back strain from a motorcycle accident(I tried to save a bike from going over, and it didnt’ work, except to strain my low back).

3. She asked about the work I was doing, hospice work, which is not work, but rather a gift of love for a friend.  She asked if this loss would be a loss in my recovery life that would be challenging?  Interesting question.  I intend to talk about that issue extensivley on the 22nd of this month in another posting!

4.  She also said that she felt a sense of “community” about me.  That being involved in the community is part of me.  This is one of my desires that I have not attended to since leaving Springfield in 2002~

 

Overall…Reiki seems like a good “next step” in my self care plan.   Combining Western Medicine, Eastern Medicine, good sense, nature and ME!!!!  Who knows where this next step is going….I am just remaining open.  And enjoying my chicks in the meantime.

It is a Chickie kind of day!

I am writing this much after the fact. A week after the fact to be precise. I was so excited last Friday because it was the scheduled day for baby chicks!!! M&E had approached me about a month before saying they were getting 35 baby chicks and if I wanted babies it would be best for us all to get them at the same time. That is, if we were going to house them all together for their start. Then their plans changed as they had a funeral to attend to and so they had to put off getting theirs for a few days.  I didn’t want to wait! So, I decided I could manage my few on my own.

I found a plastic tote, lined it with foam contact paper (so they wouldn’t slip) and stuck in the lids from jars for water and food. I safely secured a red heat lamp above it. I was ready to head to town to pick up my charges.

My chicks first home!

But first, I have a couple more chores to do at home. I converted a 5 gallon bucket into a nipple waterer for the coop. I had been wanting to do this. The old waterer broke when we had all the freezing weather. Then the setup I was using was so messy and nasty I couldn’t stand it. This is going to be so much nicer for keeping the coop dry and the waterer clean.

Drilled 3 holes, added 3 nipples and ready to hang!

I also gave Grammy’s boots a new pair of shoelaces. These boots are over 40 years old…and they still are comfortable and keep my feet dry and sturdy when hiking around the property. I’ll save the old shoelaces and add them to my tote in the truck for emergencies! I also took my walk before heading to town and went almost 2 miles~!

Grammy’s boots with new laces…good as new even after 40 years!

Of course if I go to town it means I have to do my grocery shopping and visit a few folks. With gas prices what they are I try to make my miles work for me. It is 25 miles just to get to town. First stop is to get some juices and easy foods for my friend who has been sick with the bug going around. He has not felt well for a couple days now and so I will get juice, sierra mist, crackers and some chicken soup for him.

After a little visit with my friend I went to Cartwright’s meat market. Every friday they have these great little bacon wrapped sirloin steaks for $3.79 each. Limit of 6. I had them wrap me up 3 separate packages with 2 steaks each in them. Not much else is really grabbing my eye so then I’m off to the Farmer’s Market. I needed some oranges and onions and a couple lemons. I’m almost out of my lemon/ginger/honey elixir that I keep in the fridge. Fresh greens, some mushrooms and a loaf of seeded whole wheat sourdough from Ashland Bakery. Now off to the grange.

I was grinning ear to ear upon arriving in the parking lot. I was so excited to be getting my first chicks. I checked in with the counter and told them I was going to gather a few supplies before I picked out my girls. I got some chick food, electrolytes and probiotics to add to the water, a small feeder and waterer and an extra light set-up, just in case. And of course, a thermometer. Now the fun part, choosing my girls. I was set up to get 2 Silver Laced Wyandottes and 2 Speckled Sussex. Of course, I had got the week wrong and the Sussex aren’t going to be here until next week (which is today). I got the 2 SLW and decided I needed one more to help them stay warm (right….one more is going to make a difference…it’s my rationale and I’m sticking to it). I picked out a pretty little Welsummer. They have pretty big brown eggs and I only have one Welsummer, so now I’ll have a pair! I like pairs. 🙂  I paid for all my supplies and chicks with egg money.

Egg money pays for the chicks and supplies. My girls are paying their way and then some!!!

Off we go to home.

I got everything unloaded and the chicks settled into their little plastic home. Such cute little fluffy butts! They make the cutest little chirpy noises and they peck and stretch their legs and wings and lie down and look dead! Yes…they will lie on their sides all stretched out and if I wouldn’t have seen her breathing, I would have thought she was dead. But not dead…just sleeping. Which is what I needed to do! It has been a busy day and I have enjoyed all of it!!!

Saturday morning was a bright sunny day. My girls had survived the night. The temperature has stayed right around 93 degrees. They are eating and drinking and chirping and doing chicken stuff! They are so adorable. As are my full grown girls. I decided to go out for a walk and visit with the other animals on this gorgeous sunny Saturday. Spring is coming! The cows are a bit amourous…pretty frisky actually. In fact…this could be x-rated. Part of farm living. The smells, sounds and sights. If ya can’t handle it, you best not move to the country. Animals copulate. Yup! Sex. Right out in the open. They don’t care who is around and what is going on. Just leave them alone and they will do their thing. Even tho these cows are only little Dexter’s and weight much less than a full size cow…I am not going to get in the way of their efforts to poplulate the pasture! No one else is either. The sheep don’t pay any attention nor do the chickens. Over the course of an hour Mr. Cow was very loving to Mrs. Cow! Cow courtship is cute.

Cow courtship…awwwww…he is in LUST!!!

I have soups to make. I had bought mushrooms with the intention of making the mushroom soup I had before, but I also wanted to make a chicken soup. I used this recipe http://theshiksa.com/2010/11/03/mushroom-barley-soup/ for my base. This soup is really yummy. I didn’t have shitake mushrooms, so I used baby portebellas. To conserve my energy and fuel for cooking I started both soups with the same base. This is how it went down.

Sliced, diced, chopped and ready to be seared in the pan!!!

The mushroom soup got started in my dutch oven on the stove. I put 1 quart of chicken broth, 1 quart of water and 2 teaspoons chicken broth granules in the pot with 2 bay leaves and 1 cup of barley and let boil on low with the lid off.

In my slow cooker I placed 1 cup of wild rice, 1 quart of chicken stock and 1 quart of water and 2 teaspoons chicken stock granules and turned on low and simmered for 2 hours.

I cut the portebella’s into slices and placed them in 3 cups of water and boiled for minute and then let them soak as described in the recipe.

The base for both soups:

1 cup celery diced
4 cups carrot diced
6 cloves garlic chopped
1 1/2 cups onion chopped

I cooked all the veggies how “The Shiksa” describes in the mushroom soup recipe in my cast iron skillet. I drained the portebella’s and chopped them fine and added them just like described for the shitakes. Then all the mushroom water got added. I poured 2/3 of the veggie mixture and almost all of the liquid into the dutch oven. The other 1/3 of the mixture went into the slow cooker.

This smells great. Carmelized veggies for soup pots!!! Yummy.

I then cooked the crimini mushrooms as described and added them to the mushroom soup mixture with a little salt and pepper to taste. I had to add a total of 2 1/2 cups of water to this as it cooked over a period of 2 hours.

2/3 and all the juice into the mushroom pot, the rest into the Chicken soup pot.

Into the crock pot went 2 cups chopped cooked chicken, 1 tablespoon tomatoe paste, 1 can diced tomatoes and a package of spinach. A large pinch (teaspoon) of basil and 1/2 teas salt and pepper. I let this cook on low overnight.

The chicken soup is ready to cook! Slow cooker yumminess!

Both soups turned out wonderful. While they were cooking I make some more of my honey/lemon/ginger elixir for the cold season. I decided to try some of the suggestions I”ve seen, and one jar got a heaping teaspoon of cinnamon added to it. The other jar received 3 cloves of garlic sliced into the mix. I will try both. I somehow managed to also get a pan of brownies baked while all this was going on. By the time I was all done with the dishes and the stove and oven were all turned off I could tell I was getting sick! A big spoonful of honey elixir, some airbornne, and a big jug of water and off to bed I went.

Honey/lemon/ginger elixir. One with cinnamon, one with garlic. I am ready for whatever comes!

I was grateful I had got all these things cooked up. As it turns out, I spent the next 4 days in bed and the soup and elixir were perfect! My appetite was not at all affected by my virus. I was so grateful to have healthy foods ready to eat, because I did not have the energy to prepare them. It was a heat and eat week, all the while watching and listening to and enjoying my new baby chicks.

The first of my chicks. I have a feeling there will be many more chicks in my future!

The speckled Sussex are in! Time for a trip to town. This time I don’t want to come home and get sick! Just a nice trip to town to get my chicks and stock up on a few items that got used up over the week. Hoping you enjoyed the soups!

Fabulous First Friday of February!!!

Miss Donna thinks it is so lovely in the sun!!!

For a gal who spent most of her life in the Willamette Valley where the winters start the first of October and the gray dampness falling from the sky often continuing into late June, spending the bulk of the day outdoors in Februaray without getting drenched didn’t happen very often. In fact, I don’t think it happened very often at all.  Which is why I am thrilled to be enjoying my second winter in the beautiful Southern Oregon valleys of the Applegate River area.  February 1, 2013 was a STELLAR SUNNY DAY for me in the country. A perfect ending to a busy week.

I had been invited by E to go mining with a couple of the guys down the road. We were to leave at 9:30am. I was awakened by Lulu barking her head off. I got up and padded my barefooted way across the cold wood floors to peek out the window. I had slept most of the night (a real blessing for me) and the fire was completely burnt out except for a few coals. Lulu was up at the back hill using her most persistant “woof…woof…woof” that goes on and on and on. She really is a great alarm. But there was nothing there. Nothing I could see anyhow.

I drug on my sweatpants and sweatshirt and socks and shoes and coat and headed down the stairs. Time to let the girl out. It was a bit chilly. In the mid 30’s. And it was foggy. A little damp. Did I want to go out and tromp around all morning staring down at the ground?

Of course I did! If I didn’t go I might not be invited again. This was a wonderful opportunity to see some beautiful parts of these valleys that are typically “no trespassing” places. I also have an opportunity to become acquainted with more of my community members. I am learning that country life and farming and self-sufficiency is not about being alone…it is about community. And I like it.

The creek that feeds into the ponds at the quarry.

The quarry where we went was just over the hill, so to speak. Not a far drive at all. We all took our own vehicles. One guy had to do some noon chores, another had to go back home for something before everyone else had planned on leaving, and I wanted to be able to go home if I got too cold or tired.

Beautiful dog. Very playful and very well cared for as evidenced by behaviour. 🙂

This beautiful dog showed up out of no where shortly after we arrived. She was very friendly and obviously well cared for. She followed us around and hung out the entire time I was there. In fact, when I decided to hike around the various little ponds and water features she was right alongside me like that was where she belonged. Unfortunately her presence snuffed out all the water fowl and so I was unable to get any photos of the ducks and quails that were quite prevalent.

Flusing out all the water fowl before I can get a photo. At least I felt safe going off on my own. It is bear and cat country out here.

I headed home around noon. I had hiked up and down the quarry numerous times taking photos of this and that and wanting to see what the guys were finding. There was only one little chunk of hard gray material they were questioning that it might be something when I departed.

This is the main pond. I love the lighting and the shadows playing across the water.

I took a little break when I got home. Well, sort of. I gathered eggs from both the big chicken barn (M has been under the weather this week) and my girls coop. I walked down to see the new sheep and cows that were brought here  yesterday to live and graze in the pasture. The sheep is very friendly and not bashful at all in visiting. Both sheep are breeders and will be taken to the ewes later in the spring.

This is the newest ram. The little white guy with the black eye! He has two black eyes!

The new cows are a pair of Dexters. Very good looking they are I think. Effective feeders is what I was told. When they first arrived yesterday it was lots of fun watching them become acquainted with the Heifer we have here. He tried to chase the Dexters around, and he was so lumbersome in his movements comparted to the more svelte and agile Dexters. Yes, I think I like those Dexters.

The Dexter’s are here…the Dexters are here!!! I like them lots!

On my way back up the hill, I found my girls having themselves a great time on Solar Hill. They were dust bathing and sunbathing and lolling and scratching and completely enjoying their chicken life here on the farm. I sat in the dirt near them and just watched for about 15 minutes. They were quite entertaining, as always. By this time the sun was beating hot…well…in the low 50’s anyhow. I needed to go for a ride. A motorcycle ride!!!

 Ziggy has herself buried down in and is having a little clucking session with Ruffles

Sunbathing in the dirt and enjoying life on the farm.

I have been aching to go for a ride all week. There were some sunny warm days earlier in the week but I had commitments to attend to that required me to use my truck. Going to the feed store was one. I know one of these days it is going to get really warm and I want to be prepared if my deep litter method in my chicken coop gets smelling bad. I bought a bale of straw and some pine shavings. I also bought feed and ordered some chicks. Yup…we are getting chicks next week.

M & E ordered 35 chicks. I only ordered 4. Two Speckled Sussex and two Black Laced Wyandottes. I intend to order a couple more chicks. I am considering doing some breeding and have decided I want to specialize in Wyandottes. I find them so beautiful. I am planning to get 4-6 Blue Red Laced Wyandottes in March from a breeder I am corresponding with via email. They will be my start. The Wyandottes are good for laying as well as for meat. If I am going to be breeding I am hoping I can have some be meat and some for eggs and some for show and some for continuing and improving the breed. Well, that is my idea for now anyhow. I’ll get the chicks and see how it goes.

Anyhow…back to my RIDE ON THE BIKE!!! I layered up. I had on my longies and an extra shirt and a hat and scarf and two pairs of gloves and my jacket and wool socks and boots and fortunately I could still move. I started it up and down the hill I went. It was amazing! It was exactly what I had hoped it would be and what I wanted it to be and what I had envisioned it to be. I was yelling “YAHOOOOOO” all the way down the drive!

Yes, it was cold. My ears were the most affected by the cold wind. The rest of me stayed tensely warm. I decided I would ride into Grants Pass and treat myself to a Dutch Bros. I love going there because you get so much more than just a hot drink. You get some good vibes. They are good folks there! When I arrived I was so ready for something hot and to be out of the wind.

There were 3 guys on bikes having their cup of Joe and smokes and taking a break. I recognized two of the guys from previous times there. Everyone was admiring one anothers’ bikes. And yes, even tho mine is just a little Yamaha V-star 250cc, they still take a look and make a comment to me. It is nice. It’s not about the bike, it’s about the fact that you ride.

I knew I wanted to head home before the sun got behind the hills. Even tho the sun had not dropped, there were many areas of shade along the road home. I decided to go along the Missouri Flats road and stopped by the cemetary to take some photos there too. The lighting was nice I thought.

Even the cemetary was a birght and beautiful place of peace today.

I am so grateful I got to feel the wind against me and also enjoyed the sun beating down to take off thie chill!

What a wonderful day. I was ready to be home. A warm fire and some hot dinner would be just the thing to settle me in for the evening. But first I had to give the girls a snack of popcorn and stale bread. They haven’t had a hot snack in a few days. I am trying to break them of pecking me for treats every time I go outdoors. It probably wont stop. I love spoiling them too much. They are happy girls tho. They have given me eggs all through the winter. From 12 hens I’ve averaged 5 eggs a day all winter long. One day I had 8 eggs!

It is late now. I am tired. It is a good tired. A fulfilling tired. I am glad I was able to get up and out of bed and enjoy this lovely winter day. This first day of February. The sunniest most outdoorsy February day I’ve ever enjoyed!

Saw these impressive horns on my travels and had to take a pic!

End of the day and the girls get popcorn and some leftover bread pieces.