I wonder if there were things I could have done different, or if everything else that has happened would have happened regardless of what I have done. Things like reminding my loved ones that I have been slowly detoxing off meds for 2 years, and to please have a little more patience and understanding with me if I am more anxious. Would it have made a difference? Would they view the events as they unfolded a little differently? Or would the ugliness of my outbursts be just as scary?
I can’t undo anything that was done, so what do I do to atone for my actions? From hundreds if not thousands of miles away from one another? Especially now when many are either frightened or angry or disappointed or disgusted in me, or all of them?
A perfect storm happened and I got caught in the middle and I lost it and now I’m the bad guy. That is what it feels like. Among other things.
Of course….my feelings are all on edge. No sleep again for a few days, heart hurting, feeling alone because I pushed everyone away and now they are staying away. It is so hard to hold on to hope.
Because of me trying to get better, by getting off the damned pills, I may well have lost some of the things I thought I wanted most in my life. I mean how do you atone for throwing hatred around? How to you atone for name calling and threats and all the things I did? How will I ever be able to forgive myself??? I don’t know. I have so many questions and no answers and no one is talking and so it’s just the old tapes running and running and running.
“It’s all you fault”. I heard that so many times in some of the worst situations when I was a kid. Or, “quit wearing your heart on your sleeve, quit your ballayhooing”. Or, if you would have tried harder you could have got the award “(of course no one told me about the rewards offered until after the fact). How about “keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about”.
So now that I’ve misbehaved, acted out in fear and anxiety with a fight/flight response brought on by multiple stressors as well as going through detox, all those old tapes play because I have nothing new to replace them with. What has happened my whole life is how it is today. I am alone. I wonder if it would be different if there ever was a time when things were so hard that if someone would have held my hand and said I will love you through this because you are worth it, maybe some things would have been different. Oh how I wish so much was different. I am really struggling with so many emotions.
So what am I doing in the meantime to fill the time? Today I found a tire for the lawnmower for FREE!!!! Now that is something to be grateful for because online they were about $25.00 and a wait of a week or so. The weeds were driving me nuts. So, I went and picked up the tire, changed out the bearing (it was the wrong size but I fixed it), and mowed the lawn. Of course I also tended to all the flowers, doing my daily dead-heading. I paid attention to the new blossoms and what is doing well and what is struggling. Some of the strugglers…I just keep watering and fertilizing and hope they survive. It’s all I can do, right?
I also spent some time making myself look pretty, just because. I am typically not a makeup foo foo type of gal, but I CAN do it!
I”m going to live through this, I know that. But what is the cost going to be? What will the tally be a year from now? How about a week from now? How long will it take for others? Dear God I wish I had some answers or some better understanding. I’m really doing my best. But you know that…even if no one else does.
Up and down and up and down and around the bend and back again. Battling through PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome) is like being on a roller coaster ride, on the mixer, walking around in the funny house and sick with the flu at times. Add to that my PTSD being triggered and it’s been a rough couple of weeks.
To be honest, there are periods of time I don’t really remember much. I have pieced some things together from those that I’ve talked to on the phone or who saw me during those days as well as various texts and emails. I wasn’t very nice. I lashed out at those I love the most during the worst of it. Including myself. PAWS can be a serious medical condition. There are times I have felt very disconnected and it’s taking all my ability to maintain some semblance of “normal”. I’m sure there are a few of my people that would have liked to see me be hospitalized for a few of those days.
While I did have a long morning in the ER after one of the most rough days/nights, (un)fortunately they let me go home. There had been paperwork filled out to put me on a hold, but I know what the hospital means if you are detoxing and/or going through PAWS. It means being stuck inside, put on benzos and who knows what other meds as well as starving because they don’t have any food I can eat. So I pulled myself together and talked with a little intelligence and very nicely and they literally dumped me out in the waiting room. They know what the PAWS crazies are like. They wanted me out of there!
I don’t want it to sound like I take this lightly. I don’t. I am scared out of my sometimes too smart mind. I just can’t see any way through this other than just doing it on my own using medical marijuana. I can’t go to a treatment facility because they will put me on pharmaceuticals and that is what has been making my life a living hell for the last few years. I can’t go to the hospital because that’s all they have to treat me also. I still am taking my anti-depressant and would be happy to consult with a psychiatrist about my PTSD if I could get a referral. I was supposed to have one over 4 months ago, but that’s how it’s been with my PCP, we talk about it and then a year or two later after me reminding her multiple times it finally gets ordered.. Right now I just am doing my best and trusting that those that love me will still be around when I come out the other side. Cuz this ain’t pretty!
I’ve been through PAWS before with my gambling addiction. I vaguely remember the jitters and the crying jags and the frustration with having my brain not working right. I remember getting upset easily and feeling a little “out of body” at times when I first started trying to live life without my addiction activity. What is different about this is I didn’t realize that I had any emotional attachment to my medications. Also, when I was detoxing off gambling (yes, you detox off gambling just like alcohol or drugs, it is truly miserable) they were giving me pain medication and anti-anxiety medications. I was just doing what the doctor ordered. I was taking medications in order to be comfortable living life. Now that I have been off the opiates for nearly 60 days, I don’t crave the pills…but I wish so much for something to make all the bad feelings go away. I am not feeling comfortable at all.
What am I doing to take care of myself through this you might ask? I admit, I haven’t been that great to myself. One thing is I have absolutely NO appetite and so making food is a challenge. Fortunately my son has been around and so I occasionally feel a motherly calling and will cook for him and then I’ll eat too.
Tonight I was finally able to drive to town to get a few things at the grocery store. I bought some good healthy foods to cook and eat, including a few easy things like soup and cheese and crackers and avocadoes. Things I don’t have to think about to create something to fill the empty spot in my belly. I also found some specialty teas to help me relax and to be positive. Additionally, I am following suit with millions of others around the world and have embraced the idea of coloring for therapy. I bought myself a coloring book and some colored pencils. Combined with a little medicine that should be a great way to be creative and reduce my anxiety at the same time.
I am really proud of myself for driving to town. Driving has not been a good thing during this particular time in life. I either find myself extremely anxious while driving or I get road rage. These are new things for me. So, I have not drove much at all the last couple weeks. But, I needed groceries and food for the plants and animals too!
The other things that are keeping me grounded are my furbabies and the other wildlife around here and my gardening. I have my dog who is the best. I freaked her out a little the night things got so crazy for me, but she came around in no time after she saw I was home and okay. Then there is my partially feral kitty that was indoors but escaped just about the time everything else took a dive for me. I am slowly encouraging her out of her hiding spot under the deck. I also love keeping the hummingbirds happy by having their feeder full and water nearby for them to drink or play in. They are so beautiful and I love to hear them buzzing around. Then there are the butterflies and the snakes and lizards that catch my eye. They are beautiful and I thank them for letting me get so close to take their photo. Watering the gardens and tending my first few medicine plants helps keep me focused outside myself also.
Many of the things I have growing were started from seeds. I love watching things grow. It gives me hope. Even the flowers that are less than perfect or the cilantro that bolts before I can get any of it…..they all are such a support and source of encouragement to me. They give me some purpose when I am feeling so out of touch with the rest of the world. The living things that rely on me for their care give me so much back. I am so grateful that II have been able to stay here, where I can grow things and be in nature.
It’s the end of the day now. I have much to be grateful for. I know I have a number of people that are praying for me. Thank you. That is another of the challenges with PAWS and the PTSD. It seems to darken the spirituality part of my life. I trust your prayers will be sufficient, for praying is a challenge for me right now. I still have hope and I know that comes from something outside myself.
I thank those who have not been scared away but have said “I love you, how can I help?”. I’m grateful for being able to drive myself to town and for a full fridge and pantry. I will do this!!! If there is one thing I know about me, I perservere! I don’t know what it’s all going to look like on the other side, but I choose to view the future as very lovely and peaceful and full of promise!
I had to gear up to do some writing. It’s been too long. Part of it has been time management and part of it has been deciding what I want to write about. Just now, for inspiration or a jumping off point, I went back to rereading some old posts. I find it interesting that just last year I wrote about how I’ve felt this last couple weeks and am just coming out of it. Years of this winter struggle.
Years of this struggle in the winter, so I go into my hole….my winter hibernation and yet I continue to be denied disability. I’m penalized because I don’t go to the ER or to the psyche unit where I know what happens and it’s all about medications. No…I go within and therefore don’t cost the tax payers money and really am not bother to anyone. I know that is what happens, when you get indigent care or some kind of charity.
That is the wrong way according to the judge. I’m better off letting myself go bat shit crazy or go to the ER every time I have an ache or pain. Because I didn’t go to the doctor for two year other than to the Emergency Room only two times, apparently I can’t be that health challenged. Ummm, those were the two years I didn’t have insurance. Although I don’t think Obama care is the answer, I am grateful that I did at least start getting some answers to my conditions after I got healthcare in 2013.
By pushing my PCP, I found out about my food allergies and I changed my diet. I don’t prescribe to their answers for treatment and that also doesn’t get me any support for getting disability. For me, it’s not all about their pills. It’s about what I put in MY body. In the last few years, I’ve done a better job at making myself healthier physically and emotionallythan the present health care system ever has, and mostly without medications . All they gave me was band-aids. I ran out of being willing to just use something to cover it up years ago.
I have health issues. Some affect my physical body, and some affect my mental abilities. Just like every other human being. I have found that eating healthy (or at least something your great grandparents might have ate) and mostly at home and using as natural as possible treatments in conjunction with some medications that do really seem to help over the long term and their side effects are tolerable is the best way for me. It is sustainable if healthcare isn’t available.
I think that is another of my major concerns in why I treat my ailments more in a natural way…or doing some hibernating…is better overall for me. It’s sustainable. I have conditions that have affected me in life changing ways over a LONG period of time. Sitting in an ER for 6 hours only to have them say things like “it’s just …” or “just take this xyz pill” is not my solution for the long term.
Anyhow…obviously in re-reading last February’s post I had to refer to it. It was appropriate. I read it and just started writing. There you go. Finally a post in 2016!!!!
It is going to be a GREAT year….up on the hillside! I don’t know what it’s going to look like and I don’t have any unimaginable expectations. I just choose for it to be good~
I can’t even begin to tell all of you how much has changed in my life over the last few months. The people I have met, the food I eat, the way my days unfold and endd, how I push myself, how much Shasta loves the country…..there has been a LOT of change.
I stopped by last weekend to check on my Layers (who used to be Littles but are now Layers) where they have been staying. Thelma and Louise look a bit small up next to some Americauna’s and Lavandar Orphingtons. Yet they are holding there own. Unfortunately Miss Diana met an undetermined demise. She was found dead one morning in the coop. These things happen. She will be missed for her regal presence among the other lovely ladies.
My friend at Applegate Valley Lavender Farms https://www.facebook.com/ApplegateValleyLavenderFarm?fref=ts is the one who has been caring for my girls since late winter when I couldn’t provide for them due to my circumstances. Fortunately, plans for a coop have been chosen, the area for the run has been cleared, the wood has been delivered and building should begin this next week for our own coop here on the property where I am living. I can’t wait to wake up to gathering eggs in the morning again.
While I was at my friends farm we enjoyed a visit with the sheep who had given birth to a beautiful black lamb the week before. I also enjoyed the antics of the baby Sebastapol Geese and the three ducklings on site. And of course, there was the Lavender. Some of it is in bloom and the rest is just about ready to unfold it’s lovely fragrance and color for all the world to see.
My newest and dear friends Jess and Gil who were here for about 5 weeks. You can follow them at http://adventuringsouls.com/. I have no doubt in my mind that our friendship has just begun and we will be sharing some adventures of some type in the future. Love these two folks…they are good people.
We welcomed a new comer that was found using the site https://www.helpx.net/ . This newest helper has come to us from Seattle, WA. She has only been here a few days and I am looking forward to getting more acquainted as time goes by. It has become customary for us to take a dinner photo when we welcome someone new or say goodbye, and that is what the last photo is. Goodbyes and Welcomes all in one night!
I also had my SSDI appeal consultative examination on Tuesday. It only lasted 30 minutes and I left feeling frustrated that the MD whom I was seen by didn’t really seem interested in anything I said, but rather found delight in probing all my tender spots even after I told her where I hurt the worst. I am doing my best to remain hopeful that with the input from my NP (nurse pratitioner) as well as my counselor that maybe I will be granted my disability and not have to endure any more prodding and probing. God knows I need a break.
I am enjoying the things I am doing for the most part, although I have had to push myself to a much greater degree on a constant basis than I have in a number of years now. How the toll will be weathered over time is yet to be seen. I am trying to keep my faith, do my best and trust that God has me covered no matter what happens.
There is much more to write, but today was my first day off in quite some time and I make a cake, made jelly and dehydrated bananas and I am a bit tired. So….for now that is all. I will be trying to be more consistent in my postings again. It’s just taken me awhile to get settled and get a routine where I have a few extra moments to spare and the energy to walk to the community cabin to make a posting. The next posting will be a compilation of spring photos I’ve shot of nature and flowers and wildlife and the country. I hope you’ll check back for it.
Last week I responded to a local ad regarding a bartering offer and I ended up being gifted some plant starts. A very kind woman took me to her greenhouse and explained how some things in life had been challenging this spring and she wasn’t going to be able to market her plants. The “need” in the barter request was being fulfilled by another resource. She said to take any starts I thought I could use or would want since I had responded to the ad and been willing to do the barter. There were hundreds of tomatoes and peppers of all kinds imaginable. Various herbs. It was a wonderful place for me to be…just standing there in that greenhouse with such beauty in the bounty of food all those plants represented.
I tried to be realistic. I thought about what I could and would do with tomatoes and peppers. Salsa, spaghetti sauce, canned tomatoes, dried peppers. I ended up with about 15 tomato plants and the same amount in peppers. I had 6 pony packs which had cilantro, parsley, fennel, basil, another parsley and another herb that I am unsure what it is. I think there were 3 squash plants that when I saw them at first I thought they were geraniums. Might still be geraniums. These plants aren’t marked. The woman had left me alone and said to help myself.
Because I lost last years garden bounty, I have been hesitant to plant all my seeds and starts in the ground. I am a renter, and I am anticipating I will be leaving here at some, I just don’t know when. I was offered a place to garden in one of the many growing areas on this property and I utilized that. A couple of days ago I planted 6 tomatoes and 5 peppers and 3 pony packs of the parsley and cilantro and basil in the area I cleaned out to use . I still had LOTS more to plant. I wanted to have a mobile garden. One I could take with me if I were to move before harvest time. I did have some black pots I have acquired as well as I intended to make planters with old pallets. I have been collecting some pallets over the last few weeks. Figuring out how to use them was the next line of thought. That was my goal this afternoon.
Do you know how hard it is to dismantle old pallets? They are put together to STAY put together. The have a bazillion nails in them. Nails that aren’t easy to get out. I took apart 2 pallets a few weeks ago and realized I just don’t have the strength to do that kind of hard repetitive work. So I had to figure out a way where I would just cut them without removing the nails. After numerous searches on the web this is what I came up with.
I cut the pallet into three pieces. I then cut to size and nailed into place some empty feed bags. I have used these feed bags to add decor to the walls of my coop also! The shorter ones are filled with organic potting soil and planted with the herbs. As a “filler” in the taller one (to conserve on the cost of plant mix) I went and scooped up some of the old straw/shavings/chicken poop that was scattered after the last two cleanings of the coop. The bottom layer is 9 months old and really breaking down well. The top layer is still fairly dry and has been sitting for over 2 months. I believe that anything sending roots down further than the 8 inches will find that the stuff underneath has broken down more and will allow for nice long root systems. Another experiment for me to monitor.
I did the same trick on the big black pots I used. I filled them about 1/2 full with the partially composted coop mix and then topped them off with the Organic Plant Mix. I worked until I ran out of the 2 bags of soil I had and it was almost dark. I think I planted about 14 pots. Some of them have double duty with more than one plant in it. It felt so good to accomplish this. I have been very slow to get going with planting a garden of any type, and yet when God provided all that I needed to do so, I had to get out there and do my part! I am grateful for this woman’s generosity.
IN the midst of doing this planting I realized I had not eaten anything except for the Latte I had treated myself to when I was running errands in town. I had received a FREE coupon a week ago. Free is always good, but that free drink wasn’t going to give me the energy I needed to get this job done. I had no ideas of what sounded good. I just needed food.
I opened up my little fridge and started searching. What you see in the picture is what I pulled out that needed to be used so it wouldn’t go bad or to waste over the weekend. There were 3 peppers and a little bit of red onion that was left over and then the Portobello mushroom that my friend had given me the other day. Hmmm…a sandwich sounded good….what kind could I throw together with this stuff? I continued to rummage and found the little bit of the homemade mayonnaise with avocado added I had made last week and it was still good, but wouldn’t be for much longer. My boyfriend had said something about a Philly Beefsteak Sandwich earlier and those peppers and onions triggered the idea into action! An epic Portabella Philly Sandwich was about to be born! A sandwich of this magnitude needs to be served with some chips. But I didn’t have chips. Yet I had bought an organic russet just today on my trip to Cartwright Meats. I had also bought 3 of their Bacon Wrapped sirloin with hopes of a BBQ over the weekend. They are only $3.49 each every Friday!
The chips: Turn oven to 450 degrees. I used my stoneware bake pan and heated it also during the preheat time. The chips were made by slicing on a mandolin and soaking in rice vinegar and water brine for 20 minutes. I drained the water off using a salad spinner to get them really dry! This was some good exercise for arms! Then I drizzled some EVOO on and made sure all the slices had some oil. I sprinkled Mrs. Dash Fiesta Lime blend all over the chips. I opened the oven and spread them out as single level as I could. I cooked for 10 minutes and then turned them and cooked another 10 minutes. This was the perfect amount of time to make the sandwich.
This is how the sandwich was made!!!
Slice 1/2 red pepper, 1/2 green pepper and 1/2 small red onion. Saute in cast iron skillet on medium heat in 1 tbsp. EVOO until onions are carmelized. Remove from heat (I used my 12 inch cast iron and only put 1/2 the pan over heat so I just pushed the pepper onion mix on the unheated side to keep warm). There should be just a small glaze of the oil left seen in the pan..it’s barely there. Slice washed and stemmed mushroom and lay sliced into hot pan. Put one slice of Organic Seed bread in the toaster. Turn the mushroom after about 1 minute when it is just seared. Spread lightly with homemade mayo. Stir mushrooms with peppers to combine all in pan and add 3 sprigs of fresh basil and cook one more minute. Take off heat and squeeze half a lime over the entire pan of food. Scoop onto toasted bread. Place 1 ounce sliced mozzarella cheese on top of grilled veggies and place under broiler until cheese is melted. Add sliced tomatoes and a spread more of the mayonnaise. Top with avocado and a sprinkle of fresh ground pepper and sea salt.
I hope you give this a try as a substitute for the traditional Philly Steak Sandwich. The only thing I will change in my recipe for next time is to have a nice hoagie roll instead of the seed bread. This has some juiciness to it and the bread didn’t hold up through the time it took me to take a few photos and eat it! A hefty roll will be much better! And it would make it portable! Portable plants and portable Portabella Philly sandwich!