I am uncomfortable in my life right now. It is not the first time, nor will it be the last. One thing that I hold on to…I have much to be grateful for no matter all the circumstances of a day or even a couple of weeks.
I had many experiences during the last couple weeks. I had revelations. I had “ahaa” moments. I laughed and cried and was hugged as well as rejected. I felt loved and gratitude as well as judgement of my life today as well as for past sins. It was a heck of a couple weeks.
I was with family!!!
My chosen family as well as my birth family and the family I birthed myself. That is just too much family for anyone to deal with in a 10 days time at my age. Seriously!
I have so many thoughts and emotions going on after finally arriving back to my little haven, which has it’s own issues. There are 35 baby chicks in the shop under my apartment and they are 13 weeks old and stink to the high heavens. One of my own layers is being a rogue at night and not coming in to roost! I have a mouse that comes at night and steals the treats I leave on the mousetrap! The last little bit I had set aside to rely on financially was depleted by a substantial amount from this trip. More than I anticipated. I pretty much came home broke!
Welcome to my life! It’s the only one I have. It has never ever been an easy life. I believe it is because of that I find such solace in my Layers and my Littles and my quiet life in the hills and dales of Southern Oregon. Most of the time anyhow.
I left home on Thursday April 26th to spend the night in town with my guy before leaving on my journey. I had an early departure to caravan with another vehicle of friends heading to Seaside on Friday morning at 8:30 am! I was going on retreat at the beach! It was going to be wonderful!
My caravan headed up I-5 with a stop at a rest area, a gas station and then lunch in Forest Grove, OR. I lived there back in the 1980’s. I still have a dear friend in the nearby town of Gaston that I try to visit whenever I am passing through. We passed one another on the highway the day I was heading to the coast! 🙂 (I also stopped in and saw him for a few minutes on my way back through headed to The Dalles). I also lived in Forest Grove back in the 1980’s and gave birth to my daughter in her Great Grandparents house there!
The beach was lovely. I was tired after traveling. I really don’t travel well. It exacerbates many of my pain issues. Saturday morning I woke in blinding pain. My fibro was in full swing! The change in the barometer as well as the 8 hour ride in the truck the day before had taken a toll. But I had offered to cook breakfast for any and all that wanted it so I forced myself to get up and move!!! Thank goodness I did lots of prep the night before. I was serving O’Brien hash browns and Bacon Mushroom and Swiss Fritatta for 9am breakfast and I cooked for 15. I was working in an unfamiliar kitchen. I cried while cooking. I was embarrassed about my pain and yet I followed through and did what I said I would do. It hurt physically no matter what I did, so at least I had to sense of accomplishment when it was done.
I went back to bed and slept for a few hours and then was up and out to workshops. I enjoyed a nice dinner with lots of old and new friends and then was back to the lovely accomodations at the lodge and a good nights rest. After a closing prayer on the beach Sunday morning with hundreds of people hunting clams in the distance, the retreat was over and it was time to head up the Columbia Gorge to help my daughter in the first days after a shoulder surgery.
Let me just say right now…I love my kids to a fault! I forgive them many things in hopes of being forgiven for my past misdeeds. I need to stop doing this! Not the loving part, but doing above and beyond the usual for others at this time in my life when I am doing all I can to just take care of myself is not healthy. I have been living a good life of recovery the last 3+ years. I may not do it perfectly, but I do it much better than I have before.
It was wonderful to be with my grandson and to see my daughter and my son who lives in the same apartments. It was nice to see such a different and yet beautiful environment. It was wonderful to be of service.
And then there were the not so comfortable times. I choose not to divulge them all here for the world to see. I will just say that family is not always easy. Especially for people in recovery. I had an overload of family and many times reverted to old coping mechanisms! They still don’t work. I don’t tolerate many things like I did in the past tho. My self preservation kicks in and not everyone likes the new me. The me that cares about ME! The me that sees how hard I am working and doing the best I can one day at a time. I have had many hard lessons that I can’t please everyone all the time! Nor should I have to.
It was good until it wasn’t, and then it was time to come home. My place of refuge. The place I can focus on me and taking care of myself. The place where I am loved and appreciated…if only by chickens! 🙂 And yet, I know that not to be true either. I have many wonderful people who have watched me grow and love me how I am wherever I am! And today… I love myself enough to do the next right thing for myself! That truly is growth.
My journey has led me home, where I can work more on healing old hurts, finding out how to live life on lifes terms and taking it One Day at a Time trusting God to provide all I need. It is the only way I can do what I do. It isn’t always comfortable and I still have not found and easy way in life! Life is work! Recovery from a life that has marred one is really a LOT of work! I may not have a J O B…but I am working…trust me!