I need some stability and security, I need a motor home!!!

I just wanted to get well enough to go back to work. I have always worked. I’ve always earned my way. But I can’t work anymore and I am scared. And tired. And overwhelmed. I need help.

I was picking up hazelnuts with my grandpa to earn Christmas money when I was 8 and 9 years old. I was cleaning ovens or babysitting by the age of 11. Then it was to picking strawberries or beans. I got my first “real” job opening up a brand new McDonald’s right after my 16th birthday. I worked in restaurants for years as a waitress. I cleaned houses and did lawn mowing for a few years and then started up my own landscape maintenance business and was the owner/operator and took care of about 40 lawns through the summer and did whatever I could during the winter months. One year I went door to door after Christmas hauling Christmas trees to the compost yard with all three of my kids all day for 3 days in a row to make rent. I worked for the brown truck company as a pre-loader until I got injured. 28 weeks of casts/walking boots and I wasn’t able to ever go back to that job.

I then went back to school. I was a single mom and tired of not making ends meet and not being able to provide for my kids. I wanted to work in the medical field. I started working as a receptionist in a lab. Then I became a CNA. Then I became a LPN. All through this time of working I was going to school. Sometimes I was working two part time jobs in addition to school and providing for my children’s needs as a single parent. Then I took a break and I  worked as a LPN for 6 years. I finally went back in 2007 and got my degree in Nursing and became an RN in June of 2008. Life was now going to be so much better. Easier. Finally barely making ends meet was done. My kids were grown and gone from home. This was going to be my time to work on creating the life I had dreamed of. A little place in the country with some animals and a big garden and places to play with my grandson.

I had battled an addiction to gambling for 15 years and finally about 18 months after getting my degree I admitted myself to inpatient treatment for 74 days. I finally got some help for PTSD and an anxiety disorder which had never been diagnosed before, but which I’d had symptoms of for years. I also have underlying chronic depression that had not been treated for a number of years. Going for treatment for my addiction helped me finally get to some of the issues that were the real problems. Another major leaf of my life was turning over. God had shown me a way to have the life I had hoped and prayed for.

After treatment I got myself a new apartment and went back to work full-time on a busy surgical unit. My daughter and my 6 month old grandson came to live with me. I was paying a large amount each month towards my old debt and was also able to provide a home for them too. I was actually putting some money in saving every month. I had a plan to be completely debt free in approximately 28 months with hopes of being able to have a down payment on a house in another 24 months.

Then just a couple of months after returning to work I was injured. It was my back. I already had a bad back from some injuries from a motor vehicle accident in 2004 as well as a couple of patient care related injuries. I had bulging discs in my lumbar region. This time I slipped, but I didn’t fall. Yet the rotation of swinging my arms and torquing my body to stay upright caused a severe muscle strain. I was put on light duty and was getting physical therapy, but it wouldn’t get better.

The fibromyalgia kicked in about 6 months into the treatment for my back injury. I had been diagnosed with it in 1998 and had worked with it in spite of being urged at that time to go on disability at that time. In fact I had worked hard and lost 40 lbs and worked out every day and got off all the medications I had used to take for it over the course of 2 years. But this injury kicked the fibromyaglia into high gear. I kept trying to do the light duty but some days I just simply could not get out of bed. I was in pain with my back and all my fibromyalgia symptoms were worse than they had ever been. And nothing we tried was working other than making me nearly comatose with medications. To me, that isn’t living. As well, I couldn’t work that way, let alone do anything else.

During that time I also got diagnosed with bursitis in both hips. I had thought it was the fibromyalgia, but it responded well to treatment with injections. Although the back pain and fibromyalgia symptoms finally got to a point that my doctor said I could not work at all anymore. That was in Feb. 2011. Other than when I had been injured with my leg or taking time off after having babies, I had not been without working or taking care of a household with children or going to school in as long as I could remember. I always worked!!!

I filed for Short term disability and long-term disability through my employer and was denied both. I appealed and lost. I got an attorney. I had no money coming in with the paycheck stopping. I used up what savings I had within 6 months. I was homeless. Since then I have moved 3 times trying to stay off the streets. I did finally get a small settlement which amounted to about 5 months of wages. I payed a bunch of bills and kept myself going until this last summer.

I kept trying different therapies to get better. Walking, exercising, gluten-free diets and Paleo diets and Pilates Physical Therapy. Over 15 years since being diagnosed with fibromyalgia I have tried so many treatments and I kept thinking if I could just get it to a daily low ache again I could go back to work. But it didn’t get better this time like it did back when I was first diagnosed in 1998. It didn’t respond the same way as it did before.

So last winter I broke down and filed for Social Security Disability. It was killing me to admit defeat. All I had wanted to do was be a nurse and help others and finally be able to meet some of my financial goals as well.

With the stressors of lost dreams, moving,giving up so much, the strain on relationships, and the chronic pain and other symptoms associated with my various conditions I am just worn out. My doctor says it’s not likely I will be able to do work enough to be self sustaining again. She said I did my work hard and fast over the first half of my life and now I have the body of an 80-year-old. My counselor feels that I shouldn’t even consider trying to work until I am more stable mentally as my anxiety and PTSD has made even going to the market a challenge. The pain from the fibro and the back problems and the bursitis in my hips combined with the anxiety and PTSD symptoms have sent my depression spiraling out of control.

I have sold almost every thing I have and currently have been living in an abandoned hoarders house which should actually be condemned. There are mice and rats here as well as other critters living in the attic. All around the outside of the house is littered with old debris and garbage. There is raw sewage in the back yard. I came to be living here because a man I was dating said I could come help him clean this old house up that he was living in rent free to try to get on his feet after some financial difficulties. Even tho we cleaned out the main living areas in the house it is still very awful conditions. None of the plumbing works right and there are broken windows and leaking under the sinks and the drains all back up. It’s really deplorable. He has been making money, but we have decided to end our relationship. I now have to move out. I need to get out. It is very unhealthy for me here. Physically from the filth and mentally from the environment. Being here is making me more sick each day. The stress just makes everything worse.

I need some stability in my life. All I want is a little stability until I can get my disability. I have been kicked out of 4 places now from lack of money to keep staying there or from a relationship ending. This move will be my 42nd move in my life. (You can see in this post how many places I’ve moved to https://nobetz.wordpress.com/2013/04/04/moving-day/). I am only going to be 52 in May. I just don’t have it in me to keep packing and deciding what to get rid of and it makes my health so much worse.

I am almost completely out of money now. I have less than $100.00. Currently my SSDI claim is in appeals process.

I would like to buy an older used motor home so I can have a roof over my head and not get kicked out again. I just want to have my dog and cat with me and the bare minimums that I need to have a comfortable place where I can rest and take care of myself. Right now, I am really losing hope and having a hard time finding any purpose of continuing on. I have one or two days where maybe I can get to a support group or my therapy appointment and take my dog to the dog park and then the next day I’m in bed. I know a lot of the depression part is because of my situation. I am grieving giving up the idea of being able to provide for myself. I am grieving the end of so much.

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I have looked on Craigslist and I know I could get myself set up in a comfortable motor home as well as get it set up to be “off grid” so I wouldn’t have to worry about anything but getting water. I want to put solar on it and convert the toilet to a compost toilet. I have a friend who has said I can park it on their property and we will work out some sort of barter for payment to stay. As well, here in Southern Oregon it isn’t too hard to find someone who will let you park your motor home in exchange for some gardening or some type of work around their property.

I am able to do a few things on my good days. In the last 2 years I have bartered for many of my needs. I have cleaned houses (which is hard and I usually am in bed for a day or two after but I can do it on a decent day). I have cooked and baked foods for others. I even cooked for a wedding in exchange for some cash and physical therapy. I have cleaned around this hoarders house as well as I helped completely clean another hoarders property that I lived on for a year. Even tho I can’t work at a regular job I still try to do what I can to be somewhat self-supporting through my own contributions. I also would do photography and made and sold some wildlife photo greeting cards. But right now…I can’t do this by myself. I need help. I typically am only up out of bed 2 to 4 hours a day with maybe one good day every other week. I also have chronic insomnia and rarely get more than 2 or 3 hours sleep a night.

If I can get the motor home, get the conversions done to make is self sustainable, put what belongings I need and want to keep, get all the titles and taxes and insurance on it I could have a year or more to just work on getting mentally healthy again so I can try to get physically healthy again. I can have a garden where I am going to park it so I can have good healthy food out my door. I love to cook and yet with things how they’ve been I have found no joy in any of the things I used to enjoy. I’ve given up all of them. Will you please help me get my joy back? Will you help me feel safe and secure and stable so I can heal? I just wanted to work hard and make all my dreams come true, but it didn’t work that way. Can maybe one little hope be fulfilled if not a dream come true?

I decided to do this at the urging of some friends. It is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.  It is so hard for me to ask for help. Yet,  I really don’t think with my conditions I would manage on the streets or in a shelter. As well, I would have to give up my dog who has become so attached to me after being rescued and she has helped me make it through these last few months. So, anything you give will go towards getting me and Shasta a long-term permanent roof in the form of a motor home.

For those of you who have followed my page, I unfortunately had to rehome the chickens this month because I couldn’t afford food for them. I also have not been posting on my page the last 10 days or so because I am just too overwhelmed with life.

Thank you all for any help you can give. I will be wise and frugal with what is bestowed upon me and when I finally get past this time in life and am able, I will pay it forward and help another. God bless your days and dreams.

This posting is going to be linked to my GOFUNDME campaign so I can keep from being on the streets. Thank you for reading.

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Winter blues got ya down? My cure…fresh air and pets!

Dec. 6 is a snowy day.  The only thing blue is my neighbors house! I love the snow.

Dec. 6 is a snowy day. The only thing blue is my neighbors house! I love the snow.

December.  Bah-humbug. Okay, not really, but it could have been if I had allowed my attitude to venture that way.  I am not a lover of winter.  I am a sun worshiper.  When the days get shorter and the skies are more gray than blue and they have a tendency to leak tears over the lands, I get a bit of the blahs.

I decided in the early part of the month that I needed to let things that were bothering me slide off my back.  What was bothering me you ask?  Well, lots of things actually.  The biggest was not being able to spend time with my grandson for his birthday or any time over the holidays.  I also have a few issues with this house we live in.  It’s not easy living in a house of disrepair, and the thought of trying to bake and cook and decorate and bring it to holiday life was a bit daunting.  And of course, as always, there is the issue of living with chronic pain and the limitations that places on me and the various ways low energy and high pain levels have impacted my life.  No job, no money, no freedom to do all that I would want to do.   That’s just a few of the things…get the drift?

It started snowing here around the 5th of the month.  And it got cold.  Frigid cold for this part of the country.  We were in the teens and even some single digits for the first half of December.  Guess what???  My body had not felt so good since early June!  The dry cold air made my hot tight joints and tissues feel so much better.  So I started my baking.   We were nearly snowed in for a couple of days, because the combination of 6 inches of snow and then the freezing temps made the streets impassable.  There just weren’t enough plows and other equipment for the city to keep things clear.

Anyhow, we got a tree, and the decorations came out, and the baking continued and before I knew it Christmas had arrived.  My guys two youngest were with us and we had a nice, yet quiet and low-key holiday.  I let the messes roll off my back.  I didn’t look at the parts of the house that are still broken.  I ignored the untended leaves all over outdoors.  I just enjoyed my pain levels being down, being able to bake and cook and interact with friends.

And then it was the day after Christmas.  My boyfriend wanted me to travel with him to take his daughter to the airport.  It was a 10 hour round trip drive.  I don’t do riding in the car well.  I typically break up any trips I take into 2-3 hour driving segments each day!  I warned him that I could well end up in bed for a couple of days.  The weather also had taken a turn.  It was foggy and the humidity was up.

I got home and went to bed and stayed there for a little over 2 days.  And guess what?  The blues came over me with a vengeance.  Each time I would hobble out of the bedroom to get a glass of water or use the bathroom or just say hi to everyone, I noticed everything that is still needing fixing in the house.  And of course the post holiday messes, with all the extra food and new appliances taking up space and the decorations looking not quite as festive but instead a little more cluttering.  It just would hit me in waves.  Then the limitations of energy and the pain being bad really knocked those negative thoughts into full speed.   I was not liking where my thoughts were going.  Not at all.

Yesterday I got out of bed and went to my regular support group meeting.  I shared how I was concerned about my thinking and how I needed to probably get a little help with it.  I promised to make an appointment with my doctor and to talk to her about maybe doing a little counseling.  I realized, I’ve had quite a bit on my plate in the last 3 years and having a professional to talk to and give some perspective might help.  I told my group of friends to hold me accountable, because I have been here before, in a dark depression and I know how to put my smiley face on for everyone else to see, and that will get me no where in a hurry.

When I got home from my meeting, I was tending to the chickens when my little feral kitty, Muffin, came around the corner.  I decided to go grab my new camera that I had got for Christmas and do a little photo session.  The cool air felt good on my face.  It was a fairly decent day out.  I looked around at the leaves and the remnants of things that had once had life, but were now just brown decaying bits of debris in my flower boxes and decided to do a little work.  I grabbed my gloves and away I went.  I pulled up all the dead and decaying matter and threw it into the corner of the yard.  I raked up all the leaves under the apple tree and hauled them over and dumped them into the chicken run.  I figured that might help keep the mud down for a little while.  I got the shovel and tended to the doggie droppings.  When my guy came out to see what was going on, I got him to clean off the lawn chairs and put them away for the season.  I cleaned up the area where we had spent a few summer evenings having BBQ’s.  Then more photos of the animals that were out enjoying the weather with me.   I love my animals.  They always can bring a smile to my face.  And the fresh air and being outdoors…..that helps too.  Gets me connected to God.  I beat the blues for another winter day.

When I started writing this it was going to be more about just sharing photos of the animals…but then I got carried away.  I started sharing my thoughts and feelings.  I guess that helps with the blues too.  If you are having some wintertime blahs and blues, I encourage you to get outdoors and get some fresh air, pet a dog or cat, and talk to someone about it.  Sharing really is a great way to lessen the burden of blues.   I hope you enjoy the photos!  They are a variety that was taken over the course of the last month!