Here I am, wide awake at 2:30 in the night. How I wish and hope for sleep. Hot flashes with profuse sweating seemed on the menu this evening and now. That is what woke me. In addition to my back hurting. And my neck hurting, and a lot on my mind.
My SSDI Physical Examination went ok….I guess. I cried. Through almost the entire interview. I was hurting and I am tired of explaining what my hard days are like over and over. I try to focus on my good days or the things I CAN do. Having to rehash what it feels like when I am hurting really bad, or look at and talk about and explain about the many things I can’t do or how I have to do them different. It’s not like that EVERY day…but enough days that I can’t make promises for a consistent output of production of anything. And talking about the things I’ve lost, the nursing career I had dreamed of and worked so hard for, the working my way up in life, the expanded choices in my life because of steady income. I pray that the determination is in my favor. It requires so much energy and emotional output to go through the process…it takes a toll. So, as I told this doctor who was a stranger to me before today and that likely I won’t see again,” I hope I get granted my disability so I can get some medical help and try something new so that maybe, someday, I still will use my skills and education that I worked so hard for. I still have hope for that you know?”.
Thank you to those that said a prayer for me. For now, I am going to just let go of all of the battle for disability until I hear the answer. It’s best to not dwell on it. God will continue to provide and I will just keep taking the days One at a Time.