Looking deep

Looking Deep

One of the most important focuses of my life is my recovery.  I am an addict and my addiction of choice is gambling.   I am so grateful that I haven’t had to place a bet in a significant period of time.  2 years, 10 months, and one day. I won’t talk hours and minutes and all the details here.

For the uninitiated to addiction and recovery, one ALWAYS knows the exact date, time and circumstances of their last “escapade” or rather…escape from whatever pain plagues them at the time.  If you are active in your addiction of choice, then you are counting the hours til you can find your next fix or bet or drink or if your are addicted to prescription drugs and trying to live under the constraints of a medication agreement, then when you can take your next dose without affecting yourself too much til your next dose.  (I personally know someone on methadone who really has had to make a concentrated effort to take thier doses exactly as they are prescribed to not get sick).

If you are abstinent, and hopefully actuallly working a RECOVERY program, then you state your last date of activity in the addiction of issue with hopes of keeping it (not an easy feat for many) and as a measurement of time that you really could LIVE without doing it.~  Seriously, for those affliced it is that bad.  We don’t know that we can’t LIVE without doing what our addiction is.  We feel like life will end if we dont find a way.

AS I originally started this post with a comment that recovery is part of my daily life, today was my day of connection with others that know and understand my affliction.  Since I’ve come to live in the country and it is dark so early in the day, my days of meetings with like minded individuals occurs on Sundays.  It is a coming together with family: a connectedness,: a place of confession (it isn’t at all like going to a confessional, it’s more a sharing thing);  listening (yeah, if you are going to rant your own stuff that means you need to sit there and listen to EVERYONE else)..and for a single person…gettting and giving some hugs.  I personally had not had any physical interaction (talking face to face, eye to eye, physical) with another human in 4 days.

Fortunately, and uncomfortabely at times, this way of life, recovery, makes me have to look really really deep.  I have been in a place of mind and spirit that I have been really evaluating WHERE I am in life and in my recovery.  And so I was looking in the mirror.  And then I decided to have fun with it with the camara on my phone.  Because of the emotions I’ve been experiencing, my eyes are a color that only a few in life have seen.  If  my eyes are this color of green, then it means I am feeling whatever I am feeling…very deeply.

Feelings….that is another topic completely.  If you struggle with emotions, or addictions (which I believe to be a struggle with emotions), then I hope you  find something you can use here at some point in time.

Today, I decided I had to take off my “fake it til you make it” and state that I have had some personal pain and struggles.  I want my blog to be a place of growth for me and for others and so I share from my heart.  Not everyone can find a place of like-minded  people to share with.  You are welcome here.