What could I have done different?

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I wonder if there were things I could have done different, or if everything else that has happened would have happened regardless of what I have done. Things like reminding my loved ones that I have been slowly detoxing off meds for 2 years, and to please have a little more patience and understanding with me if I am more anxious. Would it have made a difference? Would they view the events as they unfolded a little differently? Or would the ugliness of my outbursts be just as scary?

I can’t undo anything that was done, so what do I do to atone for my actions? From hundreds if not thousands of miles away from one another? Especially now when many are either frightened or angry or disappointed or disgusted in me, or all of them?

A perfect storm happened and I got caught in the middle and I lost it and now I’m the bad guy. That is what it feels like. Among other things.

Of course….my feelings are all on edge. No sleep again for a few days, heart hurting, feeling alone because I pushed everyone away and now they are staying away. It is so hard to hold on to hope.

Because of me trying to get better, by getting off the damned pills, I may well have lost some of the things I thought I wanted most in my life. I mean how do you atone for throwing hatred around? How to you atone for name calling and threats and all the things I did? How will I ever be able to forgive myself??? I don’t know. I have so many questions and no answers and no one is talking and so it’s just the old tapes running and running and running.

“It’s all you fault”. I heard that so many times in some of the worst situations when I was a kid. Or, “quit wearing your heart on your sleeve, quit your ballayhooing”. Or, if you would have tried harder you could have got the award “(of course no one told me about the rewards offered until after the fact). How about “keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about”.

So now that I’ve misbehaved, acted out in fear and anxiety with a fight/flight response brought on by multiple stressors as well as going through detox, all those old tapes play because I have nothing new to replace them with. What has happened my whole life is how it is today. I am alone. I wonder if it would be different if there ever was a time when things were so hard that if someone would have held my hand and said I will love you through this because you are worth it, maybe some things would have been different. Oh how I wish so much was different.  I am really struggling with so many emotions.

So what am I doing in the meantime to fill the time?  Today I found a tire for the lawnmower for FREE!!!!  Now that is something to be grateful for because online they were about $25.00 and a wait of a week or so.  The weeds were driving me nuts.  So, I went and picked up the tire, changed out the bearing (it was the wrong size but I fixed it), and mowed the lawn.  Of course I also tended to all the flowers, doing my daily dead-heading.  I paid attention to the new blossoms and what is doing well and what is struggling.  Some of the strugglers…I just keep watering and fertilizing and hope they survive.  It’s all I can do, right?

I also spent some time making myself look pretty, just because.  I am typically not a makeup foo foo type of gal, but I CAN do it!

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I”m going to live through this, I know that.  But what is the cost going to be?  What will the tally be a year from now?  How about a week from now?  How long will it take for others?    Dear God I wish I had some answers or some better understanding.  I’m really doing my best.  But you know that…even if no one else does.

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4 days until counseling session

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I did my intake for counseling in mid-late June. I will finally see a counselor (whom I’ve worked with before) on Monday. I feel like I’m on a bit of a count-down to make it (not go bat-shit crazy like I have before) until then. I’m managing, barely. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I waver between tears and anger and angst. This is so exhausting.  And lonely.  By my choice.  No one should have to deal with someone detoxing off opiates and benzodiazapenes.  It is miserable.  I would wish this on no one, not even my worst abuser

http://americanaddictioncenters.org/xanax-treatment/dangers-cold-turkey/

I’ve thought long and hard over the last weeks and came to the realization that my Nurse Practitioner never offered me any type of help except pills. Not physical therapy, not imaging unless I pressed (which I just had a MRI of lower and upper back…and it’s a huge mess), nothing. Just pills. I tried so hard over the last 5 years to be healthy and consciencious of what I am doing, but getting dependent on opiates and benzodiazepines happens under the radar.  This is the usual for Western Medicine covered by Obamacare.

The are allowed. They are prescribed. I did not abuse my medications. I took them as prescribed. Yet, I got dependent on them and now have to pay the price to get off them. So similar to gambling. So subtle. So under the radar. So accepted by the general populace. But for some, like myself, it can become very dangerous. The amounts of medications I was on made it very hard to get off them. Nearly 2 years it’s taken me to taper off everything.

https://www.thefix.com/content/paws

Personally, I think I’ve done a damned good job in the interim. I have worked to keep myself from being on the streets, I have suffered numerous rejections and life challenges that I didn’t have skills for while dealing with my “drug” problem. I’ve stayed above board. But I have paid a very dear price.

I’ve let go of countless people because I could not handle their issues as well as my own. Being a helper person has made that a challenge in itself for me. Yet, I am really trying to only have people in my life that don’t treat me as an option. I’ve been that since the day I was conceived. My mother was only 16. I could have easily had my life snuffed out back in those days…or ended up a foster child or someone who got adopted. But I lived.  For some reason I continue to exist.

Just like I lived through the tractor accident. Just like I lived the time I took an overdose of Xanax because I was contemplating stealing from my Grammy and it was killing me inside.  Just like I raised my kids mostly by myself and never with stable support. I have lived through it all, even when I haven’t wanted to, for a reason.

I still don’t know that reason…but it’s enough to get me out to water the plants or pick the peaches or weed around the beets. It’s enough to make sure that Shasta and Hidey Cat Hazel have food. It’s enough for me to still write.

Today, I am alive for a reason I don’t know. That is all I know for a fact at this moment. I am here, because I am supposed to be. No matter how uncomfortable, how challenging, how miserable…I am here for a reason.

 

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Lily’s are about to BURST.  I’ve hauled these bloomers around for over 5 years!!!

ps For those in #detox or #withdrawal #sideeffects #insomnia #RLS #increasedanxiety #diarrhea #urinaryincontinence #rage #tears #anxietyoverdrive   contact me. Long history of #recovery #gambling #noopiates #nobenzos #medicalcannibis