I wonder if there were things I could have done different, or if everything else that has happened would have happened regardless of what I have done. Things like reminding my loved ones that I have been slowly detoxing off meds for 2 years, and to please have a little more patience and understanding with me if I am more anxious. Would it have made a difference? Would they view the events as they unfolded a little differently? Or would the ugliness of my outbursts be just as scary?
I can’t undo anything that was done, so what do I do to atone for my actions? From hundreds if not thousands of miles away from one another? Especially now when many are either frightened or angry or disappointed or disgusted in me, or all of them?
A perfect storm happened and I got caught in the middle and I lost it and now I’m the bad guy. That is what it feels like. Among other things.
Of course….my feelings are all on edge. No sleep again for a few days, heart hurting, feeling alone because I pushed everyone away and now they are staying away. It is so hard to hold on to hope.
Because of me trying to get better, by getting off the damned pills, I may well have lost some of the things I thought I wanted most in my life. I mean how do you atone for throwing hatred around? How to you atone for name calling and threats and all the things I did? How will I ever be able to forgive myself??? I don’t know. I have so many questions and no answers and no one is talking and so it’s just the old tapes running and running and running.
“It’s all you fault”. I heard that so many times in some of the worst situations when I was a kid. Or, “quit wearing your heart on your sleeve, quit your ballayhooing”. Or, if you would have tried harder you could have got the award “(of course no one told me about the rewards offered until after the fact). How about “keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about”.
So now that I’ve misbehaved, acted out in fear and anxiety with a fight/flight response brought on by multiple stressors as well as going through detox, all those old tapes play because I have nothing new to replace them with. What has happened my whole life is how it is today. I am alone. I wonder if it would be different if there ever was a time when things were so hard that if someone would have held my hand and said I will love you through this because you are worth it, maybe some things would have been different. Oh how I wish so much was different. I am really struggling with so many emotions.
So what am I doing in the meantime to fill the time? Today I found a tire for the lawnmower for FREE!!!! Now that is something to be grateful for because online they were about $25.00 and a wait of a week or so. The weeds were driving me nuts. So, I went and picked up the tire, changed out the bearing (it was the wrong size but I fixed it), and mowed the lawn. Of course I also tended to all the flowers, doing my daily dead-heading. I paid attention to the new blossoms and what is doing well and what is struggling. Some of the strugglers…I just keep watering and fertilizing and hope they survive. It’s all I can do, right?
I also spent some time making myself look pretty, just because. I am typically not a makeup foo foo type of gal, but I CAN do it!
I”m going to live through this, I know that. But what is the cost going to be? What will the tally be a year from now? How about a week from now? How long will it take for others? Dear God I wish I had some answers or some better understanding. I’m really doing my best. But you know that…even if no one else does.