As rough as it’s been I am going to try to focus on something positive. It’s really a challenge these days to view my gratitude list because it seems so bereft of anything but necessaties. I met my goals for the day~!
I had three goals. A shower, eating something decent, and a meeting. Of course, if I broke it down into actual steps, it would be more than three. All of these required steps. Gathering clothes and toothbrush and getting to the bathroom and undressed. Oh, and making a cup of coffee and making the bed. If I get out of it to get dressed, it’s getting made!!! Drying off and combing hair about wore me out. Then to gather my bag and keys and the dog and something to drink and head out the door.
Driving. That is a task. It requires concentration and mindfulness. There are some days I just can’t do it or shouldn’t do it because I would be unsafe. From lack of concentration. From medication. From fatigue. But today I drove.
I sat in my meeting and listened to others and participated and shared my thoughts. I can’t talk without crying right now…but I shared in spite of crying. It is because of my group and the help they have shared with me over the years that I forced myself out of bed at 6:30 in the evening.
I also went to the store. To get something to eat. I’d rather eat something from the store than the junk at a drive through. As well, I don’t have the money for a drive through but still have money on my EBT card. Well, not money per se. I can’t get cash, it’s only for food. I walked through produce first. What are the prices, what is going to taste good, what is healthy, what do I want, what do I need? Decisions, even the basic ones, are so difficult. I grabbed a couple oranges and a couple apples and some sweet potatoes and a bag of salad. That gave me a bunch of colors! Colorful food is good. Right?
I grabbed some organic TV type dinners from the frozen bin. I think I’ve only cooked twice a week or so in the last 3 months. I am not inspired or feel wanting to be in the kitchen at this house. The counters and sinks are full of dishes (not mine, I do my own each time I fix something) and there are ants all over the place. Let’s see…oh, and I got some sprouted bread and ice cream and 2 candy bars. I was following my diet so well, but nothing has tasted good and I have no energy to make things and so some treats beckoned me. Dear Lord, please help me not make food be something I use to deal with my feelings! I am a pretty healthy eater most of the time, so I am going to cut myself some slack.
I got home and things put away and ate a salad and a piece of fruit and tried one of the dinners but by then I was full. I undressed and climbed into bed. 3 hours and I am done!!!! I met my goals. I felt anxious and overwhelmed at times, to the point of tears while driving…but I did it. I met my goals for the day.
If I go back and read all what I just wrote, it makes me almost wanna laugh! When I think of how my days used to be utilized. Up at dawn and cleaning and studying and getting ready and going to work. And coming home and cooking meals for a family. And more studying. Meeting with friends for social time. Doing things with my kids. Keeping the bills paid and the paperwork caught up and the car washed.
Today I took a shower, got some food and ate it and went to a meeting. And I am grateful for that. It’s way more than I did yesterday.