Only a few people in the world have seen me have a morning like I did today. A morning where the simple act of sitting upright at the edge of the bed requires so much effort and causes so much pain that it takes me a minute to realize I am in tears. Today was one of those days where sitting at the edge of the bed, crying, and looking at the toilet that is 15 feet away and needing to get there NOW was cause for sobs. It would be so easy to tell you all the things I couldn’t do today. I could give you a list of things that I wished I could do, have plans to do, am interested in doing, and then tell you that I can’t do them because of this limiting pain. Instead, I am going to share with you what I DID do!
I made it to the bathroom. I sat there thinking about what I absolutely HAD to do. Now I know if I called M&E they would let the girls out for me. In fact, that had happened just the other day because I hadn’t been able to make myself get down to the coop before they let their own girls out. I am so grateful they watch out for me but I really want to do all I can to care for myself and my girls. So I thought out every action I would need to do if I went down to let them out of the coop. I thought about the steps, changing shoes, starting the hot water in the wash room, opening the door, looking for eggs, pouring water in their dishes because everything is frozen again. I also had to get at least 2 pieces of wood, which turned into a full armload because I thought I might not get back down to get any more wood except for once when I lock the coop up at night. I really didn’t know if I was going to be able to get out much at all when I let the girls out at around 8am. This is all AFTER I dressed for weather. Today, getting dressed was a big effort.
At noon, when I had to get up and put a log on the fire again, I knew I needed to move some! So I made a decision to take the girls a hot treat, some apples for the pastured animals and a walk down to the creek! If I got all the way down to the bridge and back, that was nearly 1/2 mile! That was a huge undertaking, but I knew I could take my time and I had my phone to call for help if I needed it.
I added some water to the pork lentil soup I had made the other day and boiled some noodles in it. This was to be the snack for the day. I have not given the girls many noodles and was anxious to see how they liked them. They liked them. A LOT! I wish I would have been able to get a video of Goldie sliding across the slimy mess in the pan.
She did it twice.
Finally it was time to head down the hill. I was dressed, had made the treat, talked to the girls and now it was time to walk. I wanted to get a little bit of the precious sunshine on my face. I knew it would give me my needed Vit. D. I also knew that making myself do this one thing would make me feel like I had accomplished something. It would be veru easy to do nothing except stay in bed and feel horrible.
This was my first time walking all the way to the creek! I drive past it all the time, but I had yet to walk to the bridges and take a closer inspection. What a treat I was in store for! There is an alternate bridge that has been used upon occasion for very large loads that is a few yards from the bridge we always use to get across the creek. I decided it was time to take a look at it. It appears to be an old railroad bridge! How delighted I was. My grandfather was Chief Dispatcher for SP years ago! I love anything railroad. Why am I not surprised that it is here, in this wonderful place I was found to be!
The path to get to the bridge was equally enticing. Mossy trees and rocky paths leading across the bridge and to…the outside world. I won’t be going there today!
I was getting tired. Time to turn around and head back up the hill. I was moving slow. I was looking at all the views and vistas and enjoying it all. And then I saw the glimmer of shimmer on the fence. Now how had I never noticed that before? There it was kinda down at the bottom of the gate. Not a place I would notice while in the truck. But on foot, I saw it and had to inspect it further. Yes..it is a perfect representation of this place I live with other people and animals and nature and the world. A sunshiney smile!
I had a couple apples in my pockets and started calling to Bruce the cow and John the sheep on my way up the hill. Of course, as usual, John came at a run! Bruce held back for a moment, but then he got the idea and was on a run himself! They both enjoyed their apples, as well as pats and scratches on the head. I don’t know who enjoyed it more, them or me.
The sky was so blue I couldn’t help but look upwards. There is that mistletoe. I have thought about selling it the last two Christmas seasons. I just don’t know exactly how to get it down. There are no leaves for shade. Instead there is an artistic pattern against the bright blue wintery sky! Majestically the branches arch across the lane, adding depth to the shadows that are visible on the frozen ground.
I am enticed to keep walking. I want to see the house gardens. I had not been over there in a few weeks since I last gathered apples. I need to get a feel for the various growing areas. Again, I am pleased with the things I had not noticed before. My walk was slow, and I was looking at the sky and the ground and the shadows and what was around me. I was delighted by the yard art. I also was happy to note the various places to sit and rest. I was thinking towards summer, when I hope to be gardening, instead of just taking a walk. There are places to rest. I need that.
I love my hill. I smile everytime I drive up here. I look up and see the barn and know that it is home. It is where I can take care of myself. It is where I can find comfort on days like today where I am in so much pain that eating is something I must make myself do. I am grateful for the preparations of meals on days I felt well enough to prepare foods. I couldn’t do that today. I had left some soup and a leftover half of an acorn squash on the woodstove to heat up while I was out giving the girls their treat. The girls got a hot homemade healthy treat and I will too. Neither one took much effort, which allowed me to put some energy into doing something that has been good for me phyically, emotionally and spiritually.
I brought up an armful of wood. Then another. I had checked once again for eggs, and was thrilled to find my 7th egg for the day in a nest. It was too early to lock up the coop. I was going to have to come back down. It was time to rest. I had done what I set out to do. I got so much more than exercise, fresh air, sunshine. I didn’t forget about my pain during my walk. But I was able to find beauty, joy, peace, serenity and motivation in spite of it. I feel so good about the one thing I did do today. I did what I could do today within the limits of my ability. A 1/2 mile walk that took me almost 2 hours. I didn’t get a cardio workout, but I did get a heart workout! I love where I live!
My fibromyalgia has not gone away. In fact, it is quite evident. Some days really are difficult, like today. Yet, if I choose to focus, I can always find something to be grateful for and something that is beautiful. If that is all I get for a day, it is more than many others. My life has challenges, but it also has many blessings. Count yours…you might be surprised to see how blessed you are too!